Memories By Inner Light

I have nothing to say that's good tonite so i have decided...to not say anything...

I feel sick.
I feel....hurt
i feel bad
i feel numb
I am crying
I am alone
I am afraid.
I am angry.
I am very sad.

Goodnight.

It amazes me to see how people think. I mean that honestly no hidden meanings. This is a preface and perhaps when you read what else i have to say you'll take it as a negative thing, but for now, i honestly mean it merely as a neutral observation. 

it's monday...evening... Awesome weekend....over....was i depressed about that? yes.

But to be honest...work flew by today, and my second job was still on vacation so i got a nice amount of errand running finished up. Gas in the tank for the week, chiropractor visit, bank account depositing, picking up my stuff from Al's, dropping off my Babci's transport chair, a good amount right? In the midst of this bustle....the calm that had settled into my refreshed life shattered. Replaced by those feelings of pain, and heartache that i wished i could have buried back in the pine barrens and left there to be forgotten in exchange for happier memories of better times.

I won't go into details of the situation...because that really won't help how i'm feeling now, and the more i think about it the less i want to think about it. Because it hurts....and hurts bad. But i can say how i feel about it, and perhaps if someone reads this sometime, they'll know, or not know, or maybe be offended. I'm sorry but i write to free myself, and to think out loud. But if you can't respect that...it's something you'll have to learn to ignore about me. B/c it's MY release. MY way of letting go. Thinking clearly.

I feel hurt i think is the obvious first response in a situation like the present. It hurts that people would think that of me. I do work hard to express how much i feel and to have that dismissed and tossed aside like it meant nothing, because i happened to be UNCOMFORTABLE with a predicament of which I was unsure of all the variables and outcomes. To have that ignored, when I am willing to back off when similar moments of discomfort are expressed to me makes me feel pain.

Second obvious response is not anger....though as much as it's tempting to become angry, i know that anger solves nothing and anger without purpose is just anger and cannot create peace. Now, my inability to create peace...is what i'm feeling now...it's Frustration. I'm not exasperated, i'm not giving up. I'm not angry...i'm frustrated. With my ability to communicate and be understood. With the lack of understanding on the part of the opposite party. But mostly with my own deficiencies.

Third in line, is guilt, righteous? probably a little (in order to keep honesty front and center in my mind, there will be no playing of the victim here) completely unfounded? probably as much as the first, so lets put numbers to the feeling and say it's evenly split at 50/50. I wasn't trying to do anything wrong. But actions were misconstrued and the end result is this feeling of guilt. Not because i did something, but because I feel like i injured someone unintentionally, which in it's own right, deserves some guilt. But on the other side i have a tendency towards blaming myself for everything that goes wrong, which is wrong in and of itself, but it is something i'm working to correct.


Fourth, lastly, i am deeply sad. Kind of self explanatory, but i want to cry. I want to be held, and I want to be told that I'm loved and respected and wanted. i want to be told that how i feel is okay. That if i'm uncomfortable it's alright, just tell them next time...can't i be uncomfortable? to me it was an awkward situation....isn't that enough? Must i always fight to explain this? I cant just be taken at face value for what i say? It's not like i'm not direct.

I apologize ahead of time for anything that may come out of my mouth and into exisistence on this page. BUT I'VE HAD IT!!!! I"VE HAD IT! I HAVE HAD IT!

I have an interview for a job today. Big freakin whoop. I DON"T WANT THE JOB! My MOM MADE ME APPLY! JUST LIKE SHE FORCED ME TO WORK AT ANDY'S ....and how well did THAT turn out! NOT WELL AT ALL!

Of course...now i get a call from them and they want me to come and do an interview.....*sigh*.....I know i'm not going to be happy there. I never shop at the damn place, i don't like the working environment, i don't like the location of the store, i don't like the commute to work, and frankly the other people working there scare me.

Now you could say, "O, well, why don't you just not go?"...my PARENTS! If i were to not go i'd get the brow beatign about how i'm wasting my time, being ungrateful, lazy, a failure of a daughter who'll never amount to anything b/c i don't do things i hate, and doing nothing to help this family out of it's economic sludge. I"M NOT A SERVANT/SLAVE! It's not MY freaking job to FIX  the mistakes of my HYPOCRITICAL DAD....my mom once told me that she HAS to DEPEND on us (julian and i) for income during the summer b/c he won't ever bring in enough money. I'm sorry, I love my parents, but I'm not a surrogate breadwinner in the event (the very likely event) that my father will AGAIN not be bringing in enough money to support my family through the summer. Summer Jobs are about saving up some cash and getting valuable experience for LIFE. My mom's talking FEEDING AND CLOTHING myself for this summer! It sucks! It's sucks like HELL to know that if  just ONE PERSON THOUGHT ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE OTHER THAN HIMSELF FOR ONE FREAKIN MOMENT IN HIS LIFE, AND IF IN THAT MOMENT HE WERE TO REALIZE JUST HOW MUCH PAIN AND SUFFERING HE"S PUT US THROUGH, AND IF ONCE HE REALIZED THIS HE ACTUALLY CARED....maybe my life wouldn't have come to this. I feel like i'm being sold off to the first bidder, so i can make money....not be happy...just make money...just make money....is that all i'm good for? Just a machine, churning out money. I hate money.

And then i have people telling me, "Oh well you shouldn't LIKE your work now. You're just a student!"

BULLSHIT! I LOVED MY FIRST THREE JOBS. I've been working since i was twelve. no joke. I started as  a stable attendant/manager, i did horse therapy and was in charge of taking care of the horses.  That was my first job and i got paid cash. It wasn't a huge salary cause i was 12 but it was a JOB and I LOVED IT.

I LOVED working at the Animal Hospital. They FIRED me b/c they wanted me working at LEAST 30 hours while i was under 18 which is ILLEGAL and i said no, so the stupid  lazy idiot office manager got rid of me.

I LOVED my job at Nuzzi's, the economic downturn, i wasn't cost effective, so i got the boot....laid off

It was when i went to Andy's that the whole "you can't be happy and work" thing suddenly appeared.  and I DON"T BELIEVE IT FOR A MINUTE! that job was my MOM'S idea...and then she couldn't even take responsibility for that.

*sigh*

I can't say that i feel better....I'm just so upset......the older i get, the more i feel like all that i'm worth is how much i can make at a job that i'll hate....i just.......when did i stop being a daughter...and start being an employee?