Memories By Inner Light

That i've not been able to squeeze one post in for most of august...that...is a disturbing reminder of just how freakin busy it's been around here.

That being said, in-btwn exhales i have come to realize that the summer is almost OVER D: NOOOOOOOOOO! On the other hand i'm still excited for my classes Nipon Onegai! Arigato go dai masu! (woo!! hopefully you can tell i've been studying). Anyway stuff with my family has been deteriorating lately....i'm feeling like i'm no longer a member and stuff....just that they stopped asking me about things and including me. I mean yes, I may say "No, I can't." or "No you can have that." But honestly....i would really like to HAVE that option rather than people just assuming and ignoring my existence.

This weekend is an excellent example of that, but i really don't have the paitence to go into details.

O! I got a job through MSU and I'll be able to keep the one that I have now. yay! The MSU one is being a notetaker for one of the deaf students in my sociology class. They'll pay me 100 dollars at the end of the semester! Woo! Party money for christmas!!! yayness!

Hopefully by then I'll know where the heck Al's going...and marching band will be over, and some issues I have to deal with will be over. Good lord Christmas is gonna be a godsend (no pun intended) this year. It'll mean everything will finally be settling down the future will be less hazy and life in general is going to get a little more stable for me which is awesome.

Speaking of MSU....*trying to remain calm* PARKING WAS A F(#$&*(@#%&$@(%#$@ FIASCO! OH.MAH. GOURDS!  WE WAITED 3 F(^(@%#(*@&%# HOURS! They swiped one person's credit card. That person leaves all happy. *beaming beaming beaming* BUT THEY BROKE THE CREDIT CARD SWIPEY MACHINE! Not only that to make matters worse, at the EXACT same time the parking website goes F^&)#^)*@&^#*&@ BONKERS! God that timing really really really stunk.  So you've got an angry mob who's tired and cranky outside, and you have an angry electronic mob calling in demanding to know WHY the website is down. It was a circus! An absolute freak show of ginormous proportions. I'm just glad we got there early and were at the head of the line.

...

My mom just cam in and pissed me off.

Considering what just happened at here I'm going to give you a brief summary:
 

My mom has this really bad habit of NOT just DOING what i asked her. I'm a forgetful person. I get distracted and sidetracked fromt stuff and it's REALLY hard for me to remember sometimes even IMPORTANT things and  it's just how i'm built, but I asked my mom YESTERDAY if she wouldn't mind making a LIST, a physical LIST on a piece of paper with you know, writing  on it...in LIST form. She procedes to tell me to "Remember you have to do blah blah blah blah and blah." and then just sits there blinking at me. I turned to her and said, "Great! It's Midnight! I'm not gonna remember (see up there^ I didn't!) LIST! PLEASE!" SO she says, "OKAY! But you STILL have to do Blah blah blah blah  and blah."
O.o....
*facepalm*...are you kidding me?

So i said, "I'm not going to remember if you  don't LIST THEM! ON PAPER! WITH A WRITING UTENSIL!"

Finally my mom says, "OKAY! FINE! I'll WRITE YOU A LIST!"

Me: "GREAT! GOING TO BED!"

*fast forward to this morning*
(I'd started what i COULD remember i.e. cleaning my room. and showed my mom my progress)
Side note: my mom will try to get OUT of writing my lists by spoon feeding me verbally what i have to do next like some over grown toddler in a highchair named "Chores".
Mom says: "Great! Not perfect but much better (she always says that btw...even when you could eat off of every orafice surface and you're blided by the shine of cleaness. that's a different buggaboo)"
Me: "Thanks!"
Mom: "Now therese next you need to remember to do the bathroom."
Me: *eyes popping out of skull* NO! FOGETTABOUTIT! NO! NO! NO!"
Mom: "What are you talking about!?"
Me:"Mom...i'm going to say this...twice...I NEED A LIST! WRITE THE DAMN LIST DOWN!"
Mom: "But you still need to clean the bathroom..."
Me: *close to having a coniption* I FREAKING KNOW THAT! I JUST WANT  A LIST?! MAY I PLEASE HAVE A LIST!?! IS THAT SO MUC H TO  ASK?? WHY? WHY? WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT?! I CAN GARUNTEE YOU THAT THE WORK WILL GET DONE IF YOU GIVE ME ONE! 
CAN"T I PLEASE JUST HAVE A STUPID LIST?!
Mom:"Okay! I'll write a list"
*meanwhile I've passed out frothing at the mouth with my pupils dialated*....love you too mom....love you too....

It remains to be seen if i'll actually get one.....(mom hasn't come back with paper that looks like a list......*nervous*)

Ah! yes...life is wonderful I'm gonna go clean now.....
kbie
 

 

I apologize ahead of time for anything that may come out of my mouth and into exisistence on this page. BUT I'VE HAD IT!!!! I"VE HAD IT! I HAVE HAD IT!

I have an interview for a job today. Big freakin whoop. I DON"T WANT THE JOB! My MOM MADE ME APPLY! JUST LIKE SHE FORCED ME TO WORK AT ANDY'S ....and how well did THAT turn out! NOT WELL AT ALL!

Of course...now i get a call from them and they want me to come and do an interview.....*sigh*.....I know i'm not going to be happy there. I never shop at the damn place, i don't like the working environment, i don't like the location of the store, i don't like the commute to work, and frankly the other people working there scare me.

Now you could say, "O, well, why don't you just not go?"...my PARENTS! If i were to not go i'd get the brow beatign about how i'm wasting my time, being ungrateful, lazy, a failure of a daughter who'll never amount to anything b/c i don't do things i hate, and doing nothing to help this family out of it's economic sludge. I"M NOT A SERVANT/SLAVE! It's not MY freaking job to FIX  the mistakes of my HYPOCRITICAL DAD....my mom once told me that she HAS to DEPEND on us (julian and i) for income during the summer b/c he won't ever bring in enough money. I'm sorry, I love my parents, but I'm not a surrogate breadwinner in the event (the very likely event) that my father will AGAIN not be bringing in enough money to support my family through the summer. Summer Jobs are about saving up some cash and getting valuable experience for LIFE. My mom's talking FEEDING AND CLOTHING myself for this summer! It sucks! It's sucks like HELL to know that if  just ONE PERSON THOUGHT ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE OTHER THAN HIMSELF FOR ONE FREAKIN MOMENT IN HIS LIFE, AND IF IN THAT MOMENT HE WERE TO REALIZE JUST HOW MUCH PAIN AND SUFFERING HE"S PUT US THROUGH, AND IF ONCE HE REALIZED THIS HE ACTUALLY CARED....maybe my life wouldn't have come to this. I feel like i'm being sold off to the first bidder, so i can make money....not be happy...just make money...just make money....is that all i'm good for? Just a machine, churning out money. I hate money.

And then i have people telling me, "Oh well you shouldn't LIKE your work now. You're just a student!"

BULLSHIT! I LOVED MY FIRST THREE JOBS. I've been working since i was twelve. no joke. I started as  a stable attendant/manager, i did horse therapy and was in charge of taking care of the horses.  That was my first job and i got paid cash. It wasn't a huge salary cause i was 12 but it was a JOB and I LOVED IT.

I LOVED working at the Animal Hospital. They FIRED me b/c they wanted me working at LEAST 30 hours while i was under 18 which is ILLEGAL and i said no, so the stupid  lazy idiot office manager got rid of me.

I LOVED my job at Nuzzi's, the economic downturn, i wasn't cost effective, so i got the boot....laid off

It was when i went to Andy's that the whole "you can't be happy and work" thing suddenly appeared.  and I DON"T BELIEVE IT FOR A MINUTE! that job was my MOM'S idea...and then she couldn't even take responsibility for that.

*sigh*

I can't say that i feel better....I'm just so upset......the older i get, the more i feel like all that i'm worth is how much i can make at a job that i'll hate....i just.......when did i stop being a daughter...and start being an employee?

It's a little after midnight on yet another crappy start to my wednesday...my prospects...zero...i'll be lucky if i sleep at all tonight....I've gotten a sufficient chunk of my paper for english done, and my mind is melting into a pile of emotional sludge.I can't wait for break, and getting some rest will be wonderful. Maybe some time alone too. I think...that's what i need...somwhere where i can sit, and just...dissapear...my room's not cutting it anymore....i need a secret place...where no one will kno.

I hate fights. I hate them all. I hate the fact that I avoid them...and somehow w/o trying get roped into them. I hate the fact that when i try to do good people...just...don't get it...or they do...and yet there's something else i'm not doing right...I hate the fact that they happen on nights when there's a paper due...and when i have a midterm tomorrow. I hate the work. I hate writing class, and my speech midterm.

i'm not going to soft ball this. I'm tired. I'm hurting and I'm upset.
I'm not going to make suggestions to certain people anymore. I'm just going to sit and not expect or suggest anything. That way, not only will i never be dissapointed...i'll never have to feel like i tried to fix it and just made it worse....

I work really hard to make things go right...and...i just feel like alot of times i'm the only one pulling. I feel like i'm alone, trying to bolster up the weight of everyones feelings up on my shoulders. I'm tired of feeling like there's nothing I wouldn't do, but getting the feeling that someone doesn't think that way...

maybe monday was right....i just...wanna...idk....maybe if i dissapear, someone will notice i'm gone.

I'd rant some more but MArtha Stephens' commentary awaits dissection....i want this paper to be over...right now.

Good night.

~T.

 *smile* the above is a malapropsm (sp?...idk) made by my co-worker and former classmate. It was hilarious and just the thing to break a dull uninteresting day at work.

It seems like i'll be on my own for most of the weekend again. *sigh* I expected it. For a while everyone's social calendars will be whirling from person to person, while mine sits on the sidelines and stagnates. My dad is giving me a hard time about going to court's this weekend (her school in PA) so i don't think that'll be happening, and anyone else important is either booked solid or back in school by now...*sigh*

I feel kinda unimportant to everyone...kinda like if i wasn't there I wouldn't be missed much. it's not the greatest feeling but I can understand how people don't have time to hang out with me. I have to get in touch with heather and find out if she'd like to see sweeny todd or something with me and mandaz.... maybe they'll be busy too..

That's ok tho, I'll just find something else to do. I always have.

I'm exhausted and in a bad mood....not a good combo.  Work was boring as hell and the last hour of it seriously felt like 5 hours. I stopped by the bf's after grabbing a shake to get over my insignificant feeling, and it didn't work much...just made me crave more social interaction b/c of the caffiene....

I started a project for valentines day, hopefully it'll turn out awesome. I'm gonna try one of them today and see if it works and if it does, I'll be a really happy camper.

Did you ever get the feeling you wanted some TLC? Just some reciprocation to let you know other people are thinking of you? I was fine for a while....but now it's just gotten worse and worse, every lonely day at home, or at work without anyone who really cares just kinda popping in to say hi or you kno give me the, "hey I've missed/been thinking of u. How are you?" it hasn't helped much at all....

It'll be nice when school starts again. I'll be able to talk to my friends and work and go to class and interact and do stuff, and not just sit here complaining on my livejournal every day....won't that be a relief to the few people who take the trouble to ACTUALLY READ my lj. Thanks guys ^_^

Gotta go!
~T.

today.....was poop. that's the short and the short of it. just...POO! that's it! 

Yesterday was pretty good...today....*see above*. 

Let me start with yesterday b4 i rant.

I had a pretty good day at work, made nice munnies. Had some time to chill, and relax a little, got to talk to the bf. ALSO, i was recorded yesterday (erm and into early this morning). I laid down vocal tracks down in my uncles recording studio (it's in his basement don't get excited) for the song my dad is working on with his band last night, so I'm GONNA BE ON THE CD *uber excited about this*. I may even get credited for it as something like "guest vocalist" or something....idk....*shouldn't hope for that*  But anyways, i was leery about it, b/c my last time in the recording studio was right after my surgery and it took FOREVER to lay down the stuff i had to do that time (easily 3 visits at roughly 3 or 4 hours a visit and i STILL wasn't too thrilled about the way it came out. chya, it was a nightmare). So i was scared when they asked me to come back and do more stuff. 

I had to play a role. I was a spirit, speaking to the damned....schweet. The song is based on Canto XXVI of Dante's Inferno. My dad is doing one canto, and it's a collaborative project, so there are 33 other bands taking each of the 34 Cantos from the book and writing songs to fit each one.  

So I was Beatrice, Dante's "angel" and i was speaking to the souls of the damned. Reminding them of the things they had disregarded in life. And...i was reminding them in Greek. Which wasn't too hard to do actually. I had four lines to sing, 3 were variations of the same notes, 1 was completely different. The intervals were the hardest thing tho, my dad loves complex note patterns so when he writes stuff, the notes and chords may be simple but the actual note intervals can be a pain to get down. But i did it and it sounded pretty good, when I heard the playback. 

yea but everything was laid down, synced and  perfect  in about 3 hours this time. We went in around 10:30  and got out from my uncle's around...1 am and as "payment" my dad took me to Dunkin Doughnuts and got me doughnuts and hot coco. yum!

And then...today happened.....

First off I slept late b/c i'd been up until around 2, and my phone was on silent so i missed al's call, which made me feel horrible. Then I sit down and i'm feeling sick and still aching from all the excercising i'd been doing. I remembered just as i was about to eat lunch that i needed to be at work extra early which pissed me off to no end, b/c the reason WHY i have to be there is so that the other waitress can make it to the gym.....to work out for an hour.....before she picks up her son from daycare......since WHEN does ANYONE ever do me THOSE kinds of favors....WTF? I mean, this is YOUR JOB. YOU applied for it and told ME that you'd be able to work THESE hours. now....you decide to go and workout and I have to accomodate YOUR schedule? I have a bad feeling. And y'know, I thought i'd be having Mondays and Tuesdays off....bull. Today she tells me that she made a doctor's appt. and that she can't change it, meaning... I'll be working ALL DAY tuesday...AND ALL DAY wednesday......that's two work your ass off shifts back to back...and one of them she PROMISED ME she'd be able to do it. I think she's full of it. 

The only good that's coming out of this is the money....if i survive long enough to get to pay day.

SO then, I start working and there is this old gentleman whom I really enjoy talking to. He's a really nice old man who has AWESOME stories and is just a great grandpa-ish sorta guy. But he talked to me straight through my break....for TWO HOURS! And that means i didn't get to call al at all and apologize. NOR did i get a chance to ask him if he wanted to hang out tonite, which made me feel more miserable. 

But anyway. It's pretty slow most of the night until around 6ish. And it picks up to a nice pace, not busy busy, but steady. We close at SEVEN IN THE EVENING!!!! Meaning, clean up is over, there are no more customers, no more food, no more nothing.....Nothing burns me up more than inconsiderate people. Well guess what....it's 5 minutes to seven and i'm taking care of a family figuring they're my last customers. I'm tired, cranky and hurt everywhere. A man and his wife walk in, look at me and say, "Are we too late? We know you close at seven we were just wondering if we could get a meal...."...well no freakin' duh. What was i gonna say, "GET OUT YOU SELFISH BASTARDS!!!!!!" No....b/c my jerk boss comes out, recognizes them and they ask him and HE LET"S THEM STAY!.....First off, it stands to reason that if you KNOW you're gonna be an ASSHOLE and show up somewhere five minutes before closing demanding a sit-down meal, it MAY just cross your mind that YOU SHOULDN"T GO IN THE FIRST PLACE! But no...these selfish pricks sat and nursed their freakin meals until they were growing cobwebs...chatting it up with other customers, just being ABSOLUTE JERKS.....and I hate them. Of COURSE they wanted coffee after their meal...it didn't come across to them at all that MAYBE they should GO HOME, since andy did them a favor and let them stay in the first place.....and it's not like I can go if it's time to close...no...I gotta stay. watching them WASTE my time and be selfish and rude and absolutely horrible customers.

But WAIT there's MORE! These people are still not gone and it's 7:30!!!!! I'm doing whatever i can to get all my clean up responsibilities done around them so that i can pretty much just leave as soon as get their freaking faces stuffed and leave. ANOTHER ASSHOLE COMES IN!

He sits down at the counter and looks at me guiltily ALREADY and goes, "So are you gonna be open for a while?" Before Andy could come out of the kitchen and "recognize" him i looked at the guy and said, "No sorry, we're in the process of closing right now. We usually close at 7. Please take a menu and have a good night."  He glances at the other people and goes, "Are you sure?" I looked at them and at him and said, "They're the boss's family. Goodnight." So he left, thank god....i was gonna strangle him with my apron strings. 

I went to call al, hopefully to hang out and talk a bit...and he's with the guys tonite getting his "guy time" quota in....it's not his fault....I was just kinda....wanting to talk b/c it felt like ages since we've had a good chat. But i'm glad he's with the guys. He needs his time to just veg out with the guys...unfortunately at the moment i can't do much...b/c most of my friends don't live near enough to me so that we can hang out and my highschool friends I have to get in touch with soon so that we can hang out. 

But yea, i came home and we had company....so i couldn't cry....or rant....or anything...except slink upstairs to my lair with some cold pizza and soda. 

So here i am....

This weekend should be pretty awesome. I got a call from KAZE of all people! I miss her like crazy and she gave me a call! I have to call her back! AND tomorrow nite, my mom and I are going to see the AMAZING MANDAZ perform with her acting troupe on pArk Ridge so it should be an awesome time.

Sunday will be really good too, my aunt is takin, Al, Megan, Julian and I into NYC to see the Grinch: The Musical  and then to a really awesome restaurant for dinner after the show. At the moment we're thinking maybe, Jekyll and Hyde's, The Singing Waiters Restaurant (idk the real name), Planet Hollywood, or Hard Rock Cafe and I am SOOOOOOOOOOO excited. *have to remember to bring my camera*

Well, i guess i'll go and get some writing done now that all the emotional turmoil is starting to die down...

Have a great nite!!!

~T

Philosophers a loong loong time before modern science, once bickered about what was the ultimate element present in man, some said fire, some said earth, some said air, still others were adamant that water was the element that ultimately made up Man (collectively speaking). 

See, the thing is, is that although we know now that we are all indeed a little fire, a little earth, a little air and a little water, when we becomes upset, i think the elements all kind come out at once and too much of all has got to be equally as bad as everything being made up of one.. So i'm just going to write a bit and let some of the elements loose...don't mind me.

Today, i've been knocked pretty hard off of my footing. I thought i was okay yesterday. In fact, i knew i was okay yesterday. I felt great yesterday. Someone's playing games with me. Someone very wicked. Someone who's trying to set me up to fail. He gives me hope and then snatches it away. Dangles things before my eyes and just as i go to reach for them, and pull them close, he yanks it away. He's no human. No no, he's much worse than that. He's dark and sinister, and manipulative, using those closest to me, to cause me pain. 

I'm not going to beat around the bush today, no fancy descriptions, or slightly humourous anecdotes. I cried for a whole night last night. Something i haven't done in a long time. And again this morning, i thought, i had made my peace, and was ready to move on...and one phone call, just one at the wrong time, and my fortress of certainty was  blown away like a fragile castle of cards. Like some kind of torture, all the little smuges and smears of the days following up to this, like so many pin pricks, have dotted and covered me in pearls of blood. I cried since 5 this morning, in between nightmares, the ones that waited for me when i slept, the ones that faced me the moment i opened my eyes. It was all a very cruel joke. I think someone in Hell is laughing at me. Watching me eat away at myself. I shake, i tear, i curl up and cry, maybe drift off to some dark place waiting behind my eyelids, only to be frightened into the vengeful wakefulness of bright piercing day, faced with realities, and pains that most would die from, and fewer still who do survive, come out of unscathed. 

I think the only way i can survive is b/c i've been hurt and seared so many times on purpose, that those things you just can't help and the accidents that just burn and chafe, can't hurt more than absolute betrayal. But they can come pretty damn close. The fires that burn within, crackle and fizz under the sprinkling of salt tears, that feed the earth around the fire, that let the vines grow, and cover the heart, so the heavy winds of tribulation, cannot batter, or shake, or scrape away, what little there is left. The elements shift, and again there is balance.