Memories By Inner Light

okay! today stunk! my car broke again!

that's it! I'm taking out loans! I'm taking out loans and buying myself a mini cooper! I'm getting a mini cooper and I'm getting one that I want. I'm sick of living my life going from crisis to crisis.

I was DRIVING and the thing STALLED OUT WHILE I WAS DRIVING...and then freakin just KEELED OVER and DIED....and i'd just put a new battery and alternator into the sucker....because of this development i had to rely on dad...who was anything BUT helpful. He wanted to leave my car in an illegal parking zone with the hazards on for 5 HOURS while he goes and does his piano lessons...yea sure not happening.

so i get home, okay so i didnt have to go to my appointment which i was kinda looking forward to after i dragged myself out of bed got dressed and went through the trouble of getting underway. first thing

second thing-cars dead...again...had plans...it's like an instant plan killer. car goes belly up...and so goes my social life.

third thing-dad...apart from being not helpful he had the gumption to say stuff to me like, "Well i can't help you! I'm late for all this stuff!" aka "Yea i know this is an emergency but it's just too short notice for me, I couldn't possibly put something of mine on the backburner to help you out of a really bad totally accidental spot." and then he offered me a ride home which i refused three times until I finally grudgingly accepted not because i wanted any favors but because it was cold and I had dressed too lightly...because my new coat ripped because of some jerk being in a rush but that was yesterday's crisis so it's got nothing to do with this.

fourth thing- my brother. I'm all excited now b/c julian had said we would hang out, watch some house and maybe hang out at al's tonite. but when i get home he says well he made plans with a friend and will be leaving at 1ish. *sigh* ok, i'm glad the kids getting out with some friends after all I'm his geeky sister it's not as fun as hanging with the guys. Idm so much about that but it meant that julian would go out and i would be here...pretty much alone.Now i really wanna hang out with Al tonite

fifth thing- my uncle calls me short notice from work and is in a bind, it seems that a friend of his is offering my aunt a huge business deal through her hotel and they are going to dinner to try to solidify and close this deal. So we all get that this is super majorly important right? Ooopsies...no babysitter... well if you've got plans you can tell ur brother and he could do it...whoops? julian not available...i'm the only one who has any time to burn and barely a plan for tonite there is no reason for me to say no...and it's family and a big financial deal....so i say yes...*scratches plans with Al off the list*...*sigh* *falls over into a mushy emotional pile of...well mush...*

things are starting to look a little bit better now tho...i finagled some time with al between now and 6:30 and I may just call my uncle and ask if al,and my mom come over so we can continue to hang out a bit and keep the boys interested.

sounds good yea? well in theory it looks okay we'll see how it all works out...i'm 0-5 right about now...

How it would be
If we were together
Let's pretend that you're far away
Let's say you'll write to me
And you promise in your letter
That you'll come home
Come home to my heart
When you come home
We'll never be apart
If I keep dreaming of you
Start believing its true
Soon you'll come home
Soon you'll come home
Soon you'll come home
Home to my heart
If I believe
~ Soon you'll come Home-Judith Barsi-All Dogs Go to Heaven

I found that song on Youtube last night and have been listening to it. I also found out that the little girl who sings it, was brutally murdered by her own father...which made me cry. It also turns out that the little girl's last movie was The Land Before TIme, where she played Ducky. made me cry again.

I'm kinda putting off studying for my Hiragana quiz for as long as I can mostly because the longer i wiat the more opportunity i'll have to actually RETAIN this information. I'm a little nervous to be honest.

It's so nasty out. It's the kind of day that make you wish you were snuggling with someone you love.

I'm a little depressed today. Nothing serious just my own inability to do wonderful things for people I love, mostly because of funds. Which I find really frustrating because....I work damn hard. This time that I'm taking now is the ONLY time I'll have right now.

Sometimes i feel like...i want to rush and slow down at the same time. I want to discover things and others i want to never find out.  Today's a day like that.

There's only so much i can expect and...for now...i'm resolving the situation within me. I'll see what happens...that's all i CAN do right now.

I gotta do some work i just remembered. (small suprise eh?)

Laterz
 

I have nothing to say that's good tonite so i have decided...to not say anything...

I feel sick.
I feel....hurt
i feel bad
i feel numb
I am crying
I am alone
I am afraid.
I am angry.
I am very sad.

Goodnight.

I don't like storms....i'm terrified of them. How do  I know? I cried the whole way home driving through one b/c i was terrfied outta my livin beegeeezers that a tree was just gonna crush me and mah little car.....

Goodness i'm tired...and tomorrow is gonna be longer than today....my my...*sigh*....I have to pick stuff up first thing b4 work, and then i have to go to work and THEN go to other work....and then pass out, preferably at my home. ...

Road trip? Overnight? Neg. Negativo...not happening....nadie...i knew this weeks ago...but....i'm not going to say i told u so...firstly b/c i'm kinda sad about it...secondly...i'm kinda just trying to cut my losses. Consolation prize? "Day Trip"  My romantic visions of Al and I curling up together on the couch, or walking along the private beach late at night...just poofed in a big black cloud of "blehhness...." egads....

Work is going well...i had a GINORMOUS stack of cases today..I got about 65% done...*thinks of the thickish 35% not done* *weeps*....meh....not cool....and i know that the office manager is gonna give me a NEW stack....tomorrow morning....good god...not cool...

I'm still sick...i hate infections....and i want ibuprofen...in fact i'm gonna take two now.....yesh two ibuprofen before bed! That being said....I am going to bed....

I apologize ahead of time for anything that may come out of my mouth and into exisistence on this page. BUT I'VE HAD IT!!!! I"VE HAD IT! I HAVE HAD IT!

I have an interview for a job today. Big freakin whoop. I DON"T WANT THE JOB! My MOM MADE ME APPLY! JUST LIKE SHE FORCED ME TO WORK AT ANDY'S ....and how well did THAT turn out! NOT WELL AT ALL!

Of course...now i get a call from them and they want me to come and do an interview.....*sigh*.....I know i'm not going to be happy there. I never shop at the damn place, i don't like the working environment, i don't like the location of the store, i don't like the commute to work, and frankly the other people working there scare me.

Now you could say, "O, well, why don't you just not go?"...my PARENTS! If i were to not go i'd get the brow beatign about how i'm wasting my time, being ungrateful, lazy, a failure of a daughter who'll never amount to anything b/c i don't do things i hate, and doing nothing to help this family out of it's economic sludge. I"M NOT A SERVANT/SLAVE! It's not MY freaking job to FIX  the mistakes of my HYPOCRITICAL DAD....my mom once told me that she HAS to DEPEND on us (julian and i) for income during the summer b/c he won't ever bring in enough money. I'm sorry, I love my parents, but I'm not a surrogate breadwinner in the event (the very likely event) that my father will AGAIN not be bringing in enough money to support my family through the summer. Summer Jobs are about saving up some cash and getting valuable experience for LIFE. My mom's talking FEEDING AND CLOTHING myself for this summer! It sucks! It's sucks like HELL to know that if  just ONE PERSON THOUGHT ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE OTHER THAN HIMSELF FOR ONE FREAKIN MOMENT IN HIS LIFE, AND IF IN THAT MOMENT HE WERE TO REALIZE JUST HOW MUCH PAIN AND SUFFERING HE"S PUT US THROUGH, AND IF ONCE HE REALIZED THIS HE ACTUALLY CARED....maybe my life wouldn't have come to this. I feel like i'm being sold off to the first bidder, so i can make money....not be happy...just make money...just make money....is that all i'm good for? Just a machine, churning out money. I hate money.

And then i have people telling me, "Oh well you shouldn't LIKE your work now. You're just a student!"

BULLSHIT! I LOVED MY FIRST THREE JOBS. I've been working since i was twelve. no joke. I started as  a stable attendant/manager, i did horse therapy and was in charge of taking care of the horses.  That was my first job and i got paid cash. It wasn't a huge salary cause i was 12 but it was a JOB and I LOVED IT.

I LOVED working at the Animal Hospital. They FIRED me b/c they wanted me working at LEAST 30 hours while i was under 18 which is ILLEGAL and i said no, so the stupid  lazy idiot office manager got rid of me.

I LOVED my job at Nuzzi's, the economic downturn, i wasn't cost effective, so i got the boot....laid off

It was when i went to Andy's that the whole "you can't be happy and work" thing suddenly appeared.  and I DON"T BELIEVE IT FOR A MINUTE! that job was my MOM'S idea...and then she couldn't even take responsibility for that.

*sigh*

I can't say that i feel better....I'm just so upset......the older i get, the more i feel like all that i'm worth is how much i can make at a job that i'll hate....i just.......when did i stop being a daughter...and start being an employee?

It's a little after midnight on yet another crappy start to my wednesday...my prospects...zero...i'll be lucky if i sleep at all tonight....I've gotten a sufficient chunk of my paper for english done, and my mind is melting into a pile of emotional sludge.I can't wait for break, and getting some rest will be wonderful. Maybe some time alone too. I think...that's what i need...somwhere where i can sit, and just...dissapear...my room's not cutting it anymore....i need a secret place...where no one will kno.

I hate fights. I hate them all. I hate the fact that I avoid them...and somehow w/o trying get roped into them. I hate the fact that when i try to do good people...just...don't get it...or they do...and yet there's something else i'm not doing right...I hate the fact that they happen on nights when there's a paper due...and when i have a midterm tomorrow. I hate the work. I hate writing class, and my speech midterm.

i'm not going to soft ball this. I'm tired. I'm hurting and I'm upset.
I'm not going to make suggestions to certain people anymore. I'm just going to sit and not expect or suggest anything. That way, not only will i never be dissapointed...i'll never have to feel like i tried to fix it and just made it worse....

I work really hard to make things go right...and...i just feel like alot of times i'm the only one pulling. I feel like i'm alone, trying to bolster up the weight of everyones feelings up on my shoulders. I'm tired of feeling like there's nothing I wouldn't do, but getting the feeling that someone doesn't think that way...

maybe monday was right....i just...wanna...idk....maybe if i dissapear, someone will notice i'm gone.

I'd rant some more but MArtha Stephens' commentary awaits dissection....i want this paper to be over...right now.

Good night.

~T.

Philosophers a loong loong time before modern science, once bickered about what was the ultimate element present in man, some said fire, some said earth, some said air, still others were adamant that water was the element that ultimately made up Man (collectively speaking). 

See, the thing is, is that although we know now that we are all indeed a little fire, a little earth, a little air and a little water, when we becomes upset, i think the elements all kind come out at once and too much of all has got to be equally as bad as everything being made up of one.. So i'm just going to write a bit and let some of the elements loose...don't mind me.

Today, i've been knocked pretty hard off of my footing. I thought i was okay yesterday. In fact, i knew i was okay yesterday. I felt great yesterday. Someone's playing games with me. Someone very wicked. Someone who's trying to set me up to fail. He gives me hope and then snatches it away. Dangles things before my eyes and just as i go to reach for them, and pull them close, he yanks it away. He's no human. No no, he's much worse than that. He's dark and sinister, and manipulative, using those closest to me, to cause me pain. 

I'm not going to beat around the bush today, no fancy descriptions, or slightly humourous anecdotes. I cried for a whole night last night. Something i haven't done in a long time. And again this morning, i thought, i had made my peace, and was ready to move on...and one phone call, just one at the wrong time, and my fortress of certainty was  blown away like a fragile castle of cards. Like some kind of torture, all the little smuges and smears of the days following up to this, like so many pin pricks, have dotted and covered me in pearls of blood. I cried since 5 this morning, in between nightmares, the ones that waited for me when i slept, the ones that faced me the moment i opened my eyes. It was all a very cruel joke. I think someone in Hell is laughing at me. Watching me eat away at myself. I shake, i tear, i curl up and cry, maybe drift off to some dark place waiting behind my eyelids, only to be frightened into the vengeful wakefulness of bright piercing day, faced with realities, and pains that most would die from, and fewer still who do survive, come out of unscathed. 

I think the only way i can survive is b/c i've been hurt and seared so many times on purpose, that those things you just can't help and the accidents that just burn and chafe, can't hurt more than absolute betrayal. But they can come pretty damn close. The fires that burn within, crackle and fizz under the sprinkling of salt tears, that feed the earth around the fire, that let the vines grow, and cover the heart, so the heavy winds of tribulation, cannot batter, or shake, or scrape away, what little there is left. The elements shift, and again there is balance.