Memories By Inner Light

Today is the day of the famed (infamous) marching band carwash. I am not actually working said car wash, but will be showing up, mostly because the exterior of my car is filthy and I will be happy  seeing some friends, o and did i mention it was FREEEEEEEE? well it is FREEEEEE but donations are highly appreciated. *sigh* *checks wallet* *emptiness*...well dad owes me ten bucks so I'll put my widows mite in.

then i have choir rehersal *fwump* No no! Don't make me goooo!...today that is one of the LAST places i want to be....I'm really not in the mood. As it is, i sat there yesterday and sang my lungs off for two hours. What miffed me was the fact that EARLIER in the week my dad had asked me to make time (Tuesday i think) and he said, "I'll call you down when everythings set up." and he never did.  So fine. I set aside time and you don't utilize it, not my problem. Sorry. So then YESTERDAY he's like, "We need to go over music." and I looked at him and said, "No way." He got pissed. "Why not? You told me we'd work on this." Very calmly i replied that he'd asked me on tuesday and I had said yes. I made time and then he brushed me off to do what HE wanted and therefore, I did not want to practice, I had made plans and now my time was my own and idc if he got mad. It's not my fault.  And then Al called and told me he'd be late -_____- so i practiced....but it still pissed me off.

Also, I'll be housesitting tonite, from around 6 until w/e I call it housesitting because I'll only really be babysitting for about an hour. And then it's "Therese gets to watch CABLE TV OMI GOURDS!" -_____- i get excited over the weirdest things i know. To be honest, I don't have cable to WATCHING cable on an actual TV....is.....O.O awesome.

I miss al right now.....*sigh*....everyone's busy doing fun stuff....'cept me.....*siiiiiiiiiiiiigh*....

well that may change. If i can get my hands on some tickets I hope to be taking al to see TSO for christmas. ^_^ and then a little thing for him under the tree oughta to do it.

Good Lord...*counts on fingers* Christmas is 3 and a half months away?!?! no way!?!?!? *counts again*.....O.O waaaaaay......and there are TWO other major holidays, midterms AND finals squeezed in there! Wowza...my life is about to get VERY busy hahahaha.

*sigh* okay back to missing al. I'd better get dressed and head over to the carwash. it starts around 8 but i'll try and be a little fasionably late. >.<   <-hates being late grrrr

How it would be
If we were together
Let's pretend that you're far away
Let's say you'll write to me
And you promise in your letter
That you'll come home
Come home to my heart
When you come home
We'll never be apart
If I keep dreaming of you
Start believing its true
Soon you'll come home
Soon you'll come home
Soon you'll come home
Home to my heart
If I believe
~ Soon you'll come Home-Judith Barsi-All Dogs Go to Heaven

I found that song on Youtube last night and have been listening to it. I also found out that the little girl who sings it, was brutally murdered by her own father...which made me cry. It also turns out that the little girl's last movie was The Land Before TIme, where she played Ducky. made me cry again.

I'm kinda putting off studying for my Hiragana quiz for as long as I can mostly because the longer i wiat the more opportunity i'll have to actually RETAIN this information. I'm a little nervous to be honest.

It's so nasty out. It's the kind of day that make you wish you were snuggling with someone you love.

I'm a little depressed today. Nothing serious just my own inability to do wonderful things for people I love, mostly because of funds. Which I find really frustrating because....I work damn hard. This time that I'm taking now is the ONLY time I'll have right now.

Sometimes i feel like...i want to rush and slow down at the same time. I want to discover things and others i want to never find out.  Today's a day like that.

There's only so much i can expect and...for now...i'm resolving the situation within me. I'll see what happens...that's all i CAN do right now.

I gotta do some work i just remembered. (small suprise eh?)

Laterz
 

That i've not been able to squeeze one post in for most of august...that...is a disturbing reminder of just how freakin busy it's been around here.

That being said, in-btwn exhales i have come to realize that the summer is almost OVER D: NOOOOOOOOOO! On the other hand i'm still excited for my classes Nipon Onegai! Arigato go dai masu! (woo!! hopefully you can tell i've been studying). Anyway stuff with my family has been deteriorating lately....i'm feeling like i'm no longer a member and stuff....just that they stopped asking me about things and including me. I mean yes, I may say "No, I can't." or "No you can have that." But honestly....i would really like to HAVE that option rather than people just assuming and ignoring my existence.

This weekend is an excellent example of that, but i really don't have the paitence to go into details.

O! I got a job through MSU and I'll be able to keep the one that I have now. yay! The MSU one is being a notetaker for one of the deaf students in my sociology class. They'll pay me 100 dollars at the end of the semester! Woo! Party money for christmas!!! yayness!

Hopefully by then I'll know where the heck Al's going...and marching band will be over, and some issues I have to deal with will be over. Good lord Christmas is gonna be a godsend (no pun intended) this year. It'll mean everything will finally be settling down the future will be less hazy and life in general is going to get a little more stable for me which is awesome.

Speaking of MSU....*trying to remain calm* PARKING WAS A F(#$&*(@#%&$@(%#$@ FIASCO! OH.MAH. GOURDS!  WE WAITED 3 F(^(@%#(*@&%# HOURS! They swiped one person's credit card. That person leaves all happy. *beaming beaming beaming* BUT THEY BROKE THE CREDIT CARD SWIPEY MACHINE! Not only that to make matters worse, at the EXACT same time the parking website goes F^&)#^)*@&^#*&@ BONKERS! God that timing really really really stunk.  So you've got an angry mob who's tired and cranky outside, and you have an angry electronic mob calling in demanding to know WHY the website is down. It was a circus! An absolute freak show of ginormous proportions. I'm just glad we got there early and were at the head of the line.

...

My mom just cam in and pissed me off.

Considering what just happened at here I'm going to give you a brief summary:
 

My mom has this really bad habit of NOT just DOING what i asked her. I'm a forgetful person. I get distracted and sidetracked fromt stuff and it's REALLY hard for me to remember sometimes even IMPORTANT things and  it's just how i'm built, but I asked my mom YESTERDAY if she wouldn't mind making a LIST, a physical LIST on a piece of paper with you know, writing  on it...in LIST form. She procedes to tell me to "Remember you have to do blah blah blah blah and blah." and then just sits there blinking at me. I turned to her and said, "Great! It's Midnight! I'm not gonna remember (see up there^ I didn't!) LIST! PLEASE!" SO she says, "OKAY! But you STILL have to do Blah blah blah blah  and blah."
O.o....
*facepalm*...are you kidding me?

So i said, "I'm not going to remember if you  don't LIST THEM! ON PAPER! WITH A WRITING UTENSIL!"

Finally my mom says, "OKAY! FINE! I'll WRITE YOU A LIST!"

Me: "GREAT! GOING TO BED!"

*fast forward to this morning*
(I'd started what i COULD remember i.e. cleaning my room. and showed my mom my progress)
Side note: my mom will try to get OUT of writing my lists by spoon feeding me verbally what i have to do next like some over grown toddler in a highchair named "Chores".
Mom says: "Great! Not perfect but much better (she always says that btw...even when you could eat off of every orafice surface and you're blided by the shine of cleaness. that's a different buggaboo)"
Me: "Thanks!"
Mom: "Now therese next you need to remember to do the bathroom."
Me: *eyes popping out of skull* NO! FOGETTABOUTIT! NO! NO! NO!"
Mom: "What are you talking about!?"
Me:"Mom...i'm going to say this...twice...I NEED A LIST! WRITE THE DAMN LIST DOWN!"
Mom: "But you still need to clean the bathroom..."
Me: *close to having a coniption* I FREAKING KNOW THAT! I JUST WANT  A LIST?! MAY I PLEASE HAVE A LIST!?! IS THAT SO MUC H TO  ASK?? WHY? WHY? WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT?! I CAN GARUNTEE YOU THAT THE WORK WILL GET DONE IF YOU GIVE ME ONE! 
CAN"T I PLEASE JUST HAVE A STUPID LIST?!
Mom:"Okay! I'll write a list"
*meanwhile I've passed out frothing at the mouth with my pupils dialated*....love you too mom....love you too....

It remains to be seen if i'll actually get one.....(mom hasn't come back with paper that looks like a list......*nervous*)

Ah! yes...life is wonderful I'm gonna go clean now.....
kbie
 

 

It amazes me to see how people think. I mean that honestly no hidden meanings. This is a preface and perhaps when you read what else i have to say you'll take it as a negative thing, but for now, i honestly mean it merely as a neutral observation. 

it's monday...evening... Awesome weekend....over....was i depressed about that? yes.

But to be honest...work flew by today, and my second job was still on vacation so i got a nice amount of errand running finished up. Gas in the tank for the week, chiropractor visit, bank account depositing, picking up my stuff from Al's, dropping off my Babci's transport chair, a good amount right? In the midst of this bustle....the calm that had settled into my refreshed life shattered. Replaced by those feelings of pain, and heartache that i wished i could have buried back in the pine barrens and left there to be forgotten in exchange for happier memories of better times.

I won't go into details of the situation...because that really won't help how i'm feeling now, and the more i think about it the less i want to think about it. Because it hurts....and hurts bad. But i can say how i feel about it, and perhaps if someone reads this sometime, they'll know, or not know, or maybe be offended. I'm sorry but i write to free myself, and to think out loud. But if you can't respect that...it's something you'll have to learn to ignore about me. B/c it's MY release. MY way of letting go. Thinking clearly.

I feel hurt i think is the obvious first response in a situation like the present. It hurts that people would think that of me. I do work hard to express how much i feel and to have that dismissed and tossed aside like it meant nothing, because i happened to be UNCOMFORTABLE with a predicament of which I was unsure of all the variables and outcomes. To have that ignored, when I am willing to back off when similar moments of discomfort are expressed to me makes me feel pain.

Second obvious response is not anger....though as much as it's tempting to become angry, i know that anger solves nothing and anger without purpose is just anger and cannot create peace. Now, my inability to create peace...is what i'm feeling now...it's Frustration. I'm not exasperated, i'm not giving up. I'm not angry...i'm frustrated. With my ability to communicate and be understood. With the lack of understanding on the part of the opposite party. But mostly with my own deficiencies.

Third in line, is guilt, righteous? probably a little (in order to keep honesty front and center in my mind, there will be no playing of the victim here) completely unfounded? probably as much as the first, so lets put numbers to the feeling and say it's evenly split at 50/50. I wasn't trying to do anything wrong. But actions were misconstrued and the end result is this feeling of guilt. Not because i did something, but because I feel like i injured someone unintentionally, which in it's own right, deserves some guilt. But on the other side i have a tendency towards blaming myself for everything that goes wrong, which is wrong in and of itself, but it is something i'm working to correct.


Fourth, lastly, i am deeply sad. Kind of self explanatory, but i want to cry. I want to be held, and I want to be told that I'm loved and respected and wanted. i want to be told that how i feel is okay. That if i'm uncomfortable it's alright, just tell them next time...can't i be uncomfortable? to me it was an awkward situation....isn't that enough? Must i always fight to explain this? I cant just be taken at face value for what i say? It's not like i'm not direct.

It's a little after midnight on yet another crappy start to my wednesday...my prospects...zero...i'll be lucky if i sleep at all tonight....I've gotten a sufficient chunk of my paper for english done, and my mind is melting into a pile of emotional sludge.I can't wait for break, and getting some rest will be wonderful. Maybe some time alone too. I think...that's what i need...somwhere where i can sit, and just...dissapear...my room's not cutting it anymore....i need a secret place...where no one will kno.

I hate fights. I hate them all. I hate the fact that I avoid them...and somehow w/o trying get roped into them. I hate the fact that when i try to do good people...just...don't get it...or they do...and yet there's something else i'm not doing right...I hate the fact that they happen on nights when there's a paper due...and when i have a midterm tomorrow. I hate the work. I hate writing class, and my speech midterm.

i'm not going to soft ball this. I'm tired. I'm hurting and I'm upset.
I'm not going to make suggestions to certain people anymore. I'm just going to sit and not expect or suggest anything. That way, not only will i never be dissapointed...i'll never have to feel like i tried to fix it and just made it worse....

I work really hard to make things go right...and...i just feel like alot of times i'm the only one pulling. I feel like i'm alone, trying to bolster up the weight of everyones feelings up on my shoulders. I'm tired of feeling like there's nothing I wouldn't do, but getting the feeling that someone doesn't think that way...

maybe monday was right....i just...wanna...idk....maybe if i dissapear, someone will notice i'm gone.

I'd rant some more but MArtha Stephens' commentary awaits dissection....i want this paper to be over...right now.

Good night.

~T.

 *smile* the above is a malapropsm (sp?...idk) made by my co-worker and former classmate. It was hilarious and just the thing to break a dull uninteresting day at work.

It seems like i'll be on my own for most of the weekend again. *sigh* I expected it. For a while everyone's social calendars will be whirling from person to person, while mine sits on the sidelines and stagnates. My dad is giving me a hard time about going to court's this weekend (her school in PA) so i don't think that'll be happening, and anyone else important is either booked solid or back in school by now...*sigh*

I feel kinda unimportant to everyone...kinda like if i wasn't there I wouldn't be missed much. it's not the greatest feeling but I can understand how people don't have time to hang out with me. I have to get in touch with heather and find out if she'd like to see sweeny todd or something with me and mandaz.... maybe they'll be busy too..

That's ok tho, I'll just find something else to do. I always have.

I'm exhausted and in a bad mood....not a good combo.  Work was boring as hell and the last hour of it seriously felt like 5 hours. I stopped by the bf's after grabbing a shake to get over my insignificant feeling, and it didn't work much...just made me crave more social interaction b/c of the caffiene....

I started a project for valentines day, hopefully it'll turn out awesome. I'm gonna try one of them today and see if it works and if it does, I'll be a really happy camper.

Did you ever get the feeling you wanted some TLC? Just some reciprocation to let you know other people are thinking of you? I was fine for a while....but now it's just gotten worse and worse, every lonely day at home, or at work without anyone who really cares just kinda popping in to say hi or you kno give me the, "hey I've missed/been thinking of u. How are you?" it hasn't helped much at all....

It'll be nice when school starts again. I'll be able to talk to my friends and work and go to class and interact and do stuff, and not just sit here complaining on my livejournal every day....won't that be a relief to the few people who take the trouble to ACTUALLY READ my lj. Thanks guys ^_^

Gotta go!
~T.

Philosophers a loong loong time before modern science, once bickered about what was the ultimate element present in man, some said fire, some said earth, some said air, still others were adamant that water was the element that ultimately made up Man (collectively speaking). 

See, the thing is, is that although we know now that we are all indeed a little fire, a little earth, a little air and a little water, when we becomes upset, i think the elements all kind come out at once and too much of all has got to be equally as bad as everything being made up of one.. So i'm just going to write a bit and let some of the elements loose...don't mind me.

Today, i've been knocked pretty hard off of my footing. I thought i was okay yesterday. In fact, i knew i was okay yesterday. I felt great yesterday. Someone's playing games with me. Someone very wicked. Someone who's trying to set me up to fail. He gives me hope and then snatches it away. Dangles things before my eyes and just as i go to reach for them, and pull them close, he yanks it away. He's no human. No no, he's much worse than that. He's dark and sinister, and manipulative, using those closest to me, to cause me pain. 

I'm not going to beat around the bush today, no fancy descriptions, or slightly humourous anecdotes. I cried for a whole night last night. Something i haven't done in a long time. And again this morning, i thought, i had made my peace, and was ready to move on...and one phone call, just one at the wrong time, and my fortress of certainty was  blown away like a fragile castle of cards. Like some kind of torture, all the little smuges and smears of the days following up to this, like so many pin pricks, have dotted and covered me in pearls of blood. I cried since 5 this morning, in between nightmares, the ones that waited for me when i slept, the ones that faced me the moment i opened my eyes. It was all a very cruel joke. I think someone in Hell is laughing at me. Watching me eat away at myself. I shake, i tear, i curl up and cry, maybe drift off to some dark place waiting behind my eyelids, only to be frightened into the vengeful wakefulness of bright piercing day, faced with realities, and pains that most would die from, and fewer still who do survive, come out of unscathed. 

I think the only way i can survive is b/c i've been hurt and seared so many times on purpose, that those things you just can't help and the accidents that just burn and chafe, can't hurt more than absolute betrayal. But they can come pretty damn close. The fires that burn within, crackle and fizz under the sprinkling of salt tears, that feed the earth around the fire, that let the vines grow, and cover the heart, so the heavy winds of tribulation, cannot batter, or shake, or scrape away, what little there is left. The elements shift, and again there is balance.