Memories By Inner Light

*ahem*
I'm officially 19 years old. today. yes. it is my birthday.

I have gotten....a...LOT of wonderful wonderful birthday wishes and I would like to take the time to thank everyone all over again for the truly thoughtful well wishes. It meant alot and i was pleasantly surprised to see just how many people wished me well. it was very touching. Thank you again.

I must say, (reflecting on the day as a whole) that it was a resounding success. Not just emotionally, but i got a lot done and still managed to have a wonderful evening with my family. I worked, i studied and i played hard. I'm feeling it but its a great feeling of tired and accomplished. Hopefully once i'm a nurse I'll be able to come home feeling like this most nights.

I think the weirdest feeling is knowing that next year....i'll be 20 years old. thats two DECADES. Not only that but it'll signify a whole new realm of life around the corner. Marriage, carreer, family changes, financial changes, alot of things really. I think i'm just a little incredulous, and awestruck....who'd have thought it would come so quickly?

Mmmmmmm *thinking*

well i have to check my schedule for when and where i have to be and then i have to play more SPore and do some reading (*grin*)

so I'll take my leave and wake up tomorrow one year closer to that future...weird feeling.....huh...

I'm saying this NOW so that for the rest of the week i don't have to keep saying over and over and over again. I'm going to be lonely. I'm on the very edge of the cliff of a long downward descent that will culminate and start to pull back up around the end of October.

Why do you ask? Band Camp. Al is starting band camp today and this year he's Drum Major. He says the schedule won't look that bad  (bad meaning it'll be the same as me being single(without the looking at other guys) b/c i'll never see him) but already he's had some schedule surprises and even tho he was given "The Schedule" i kno my band director and Marks almost NEVER sticks to it. Not that all of the things on the calendar DON't get done...but that they DO and THEN SOME. Already two day a week practices, may become THREE day a week practices, it's already a given that almost EVERY weekend Al will be at a competition and the BIG Championships trip has already been extended a day. Sensing a pattern here? I sure as heck am.

Al's trying to be the optimist and i love him so much for that. I really appreciate it that he's trying to put a friendly face on it to make me feel better, but at the same time I've been through band seasons and I know how hectic and how  busy they are and that was just me as a lowly grunt. Al's drum major, he's going to be extra tied up. I know that once he starts getting tangled up in the drama drama drama and in the stress of a leadership position it's going to effect him,  I don't want to say negatively, I don't want to say positively. Just that it'll effect him and if he's not around and I can't reach him, I won't be able to help him....or cheer him up....which is probably why i'm feeling so.....down in the dumps. It really does feel like he goes away for 3 months (ok ok 2 1/2.) I'm just going to miss him. He is such a great guy.

Of course all of that additional stress is gonna be made worse by the Senior Year Blues....if you can guess...all that emotional trauma and stress from being yoinked outta the bubble and plopped into the real world for the first time, the leaving of friends, and family to set out on your path towards LIFE the big L-I-F-E.  Not to mention Band Alum Anxiety (no it's not a real neurosis, but it should be) the pangs of sadness that you get when you keep realizing that every performance every practice draws you closer and closer to going away from the MPHS Marching Band forever. Trust me, i kno my Al. He's prolly thinking the same thing right now....unless he's still asleep which is also a good possibility...

I'm sure you're probably wondering about the hot tubs (if u weren't *see title*) Pretty much that was a veiled reference to our vacation that may be coming up (may not...depending on band stuff). *sigh* i'm thinking of summer...and next summer...screw school right now haha. I just want to think of warm beaches and school being light years away from me. I intend to keep busy this year. I can't let what happened last year happen this year. I can't allow myself to become depressed I'm not productive that way, and i worry those who are close to me.

But this little chiquita needs to get dressed for work so I'll say no more until the morrow.

Before i get ridiculous I would like to ask everyone to keep a friend of mine in your thoughts and prayers for a while. She's having some tough times with illness in her family and it's important now more than ever that you send kind thoughts and prayers her way.

Thank you very much for your help.

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Now, for my day yesterday and a bit of today:

Friday is becoming my favorite day of the week. why? Because my check comes on friday and friday check means moneyies for weekend partying...ermm....which is why i'm "partying" in my bed with my laptop....but that's a different story.
Different Story:
Turns out all my money (erm a good chunk of it) has been spoken for. My dad called me down one day this week and says, "I've decided that you need to GIVE me 175 dollars out of your paycheck EVERY WEEK, to put towards your tuition in the fall. We won't have enough to cover the first payment."

pdhhgsdfgskljgasgd Oh MAH GOURD! This made me more that pissed. b/c he's not doing CRAP to help us. it's a little sad that I make about what he brings home every week. It's actually more than he brings home but after taxes and stuff it's about 50 dollars less.

But there was no consultation with the person (ME!!!!!!) who maketh the dough. There was no "We would like if you TRIED to give us blah blah." Or "Would you MIND if you gave a large chunk of your check towards college. We're gonna have a rough time making that first payment." No. Nope, Nada, Niet, Nien.  DECIDED...well who the hell are you?!?!?!?! Are YOU earning this money?!?! Are YOU doing this job?!?! ARE YOU EVEN IN ANY POSITION TO DEMAND ANYTHING FROM ME!?!?!?!.....didn't think so...I needed the money this summer to take care of a few things i needed to do FOR MYSELF. Granted the tuition help is also for me, but the way i see it, I would be more likely to GIVE my money to him if he actually respected the fact that it was MINE. *sigh* it;s just so so wrong.

Back to the actual point of this post:

(aka shameless attempt to throw a scented towel over a smelly pile of dog crap.)

Al and i went to Weis ecology center yesterday and hiked non-stop for abotu 2 and half hours and covered about.....4-5 miles? maybe? Which took us to High point, an elevation of 990 with a beautiful view of the valley below.

Then we went to dinner at this cute little diner place. I loved it.  They had REALLY good portabello mushroom burgers...yum. But at any rate, I NEED to go to the shore this summer...it's becoming a BIG DEAL. I need a vacation...and i need it stat. I've been quite sick internally, though you'd never know it the way i'm skyhootin' around my life. But my infection still hasn't gone away and i've been so stressed that certain things that are supposed to come haven't...which is really bad...in turn stresses me out....and then it make situation worse.

However, roadtrip is tentatively back on track for next weekend and I have the RenFaire to prepare for. I have to find a good costume this year. Mine last year was pretty schweet and i didn't even need to buy anything haha.  I'm also saving up whatever is left after my dad takes a freakin ass huge bite out of my check and save up for something special this year.  I blew through my money ridiculously quick last year for two reasons: 1.) I  didn't bring much (maybe 50)
                                                          2.) Everything is SO INCREDIBLY EXPENSIVE!!!!!!!

But i am looking forward to it. So hopefully i can count on 1 road trip, 1 ren faire and hopefully 1 trip to the beach to defrazzle me until i get my head together and get back to school.

Okay, i gotta go to the bank now.

Ciao peeples.

It's friday finally, and not a day too soon as far as i'm concerned. of course all the stuff that went on this week hasn't been resolved but the small silver lining is that some of the pressure has lessened a bit.

I really want to apologize for the random and albeit depressing posts recently, I just need some organizational time to structure everything that's going on and everything that needs to be sucked in and absorbed and then dissolved ASAP.

I'm not looking for pity, and i'm not looking for attention. This journal is mostly concerned with providing me with a release from stress. Writing my day in retrospect really helps face and confront issues that are bothering me personally. If you have a problem with that...then i suggest you read some really hyper cloud 9 person's journal, b/c you'll find real life issues here not incongruous perpetually manic states. I don't expect YOU to deal with them, I really don't expect anything from anyone who reads my journal. If you want to help out, it's welcome, if you don't that's fine. I only keep it public b/c i believe i don't really have much to hide from anyone, i'm a pretty open person, and when i'm not under constant pressure, I'm usually and fun person to hang around with, but you can't be all smiley and excited and happy all the time. There are going to be times in life when even for a year maybe two heck maybe TEN where things are just difficult. it doesn't mean THAT person is depressing, or negative, it just means that their on a pressure and you know stress takes it's toll on people...and sometimes it means that aren't the way they normally. I'm sure you can relate to that feeling, b/c i'm sure it's happened to the best of us.

This isn't directed at anyone into particular, I just feel like i have to clarify the point of this journal and now that i've done that I can continue with the rest of my post.

I went to bed last night feeling slightly ill, and still a bit confused, i woke up this morning and looked at my clock. checked it and today was deemed a fast day. I have a morning ritual where i wait what I think is 5 minutes and then check my clock. If it's more than five minutes it's a Fast day and time will go quickly inbtwn things, things will come and go and everything will just rush by. If it's less or or just about 5 then it's deemed a slow day, where i'll have plenty of time to take care of things and go at an easy pace. Well like most Mondays are deemed slow days and more and more fridays are deemed fast days.  I think it's probably something complex and psychologically based but haha i don't have the time to really think about the why I just do it b/c...idk, i like knowing what to expect, and most of the time my estimations are correct. I've been wrong so their not exact but you know it's not really that  important to begin with.

My philosophy professor just walked in...six minutes late again ^_^ I'm getting used to this. O well more time for me to post! ^_^

Gotta go!
Toodles!
~T.

today was a big day for me. in lots of ways. I got to see my sister from another mother. I had work, i got the results back from my film test, and Al and i had a nice long discussion and celebrated our anniversary. 

I can't say that it was a day of progress. I'm worrying about the stability of certain decisions, and about their implications, but still things today went better than expected and for that i'm uber grateful.

In other news...i'm exhausted...emotionally, physically, mentally, and i have a week of classes ahead of me with no respite in sight....plus that doctumented essay.....oh God...help me. D:

My current mood....uneasy...i think is NOT the proper word but perhaps the closest thing to it...things...seem to have gone too smoothly, certain areas are still not clear enough for me to fully understand. But at this moment what I have to do now is just work very very hard...b/c I WANT this. I want it working, i want it stable, i want it safe. I want to disavow people of certain impressions they may have gotten from me, i want to change the things that have come across wrong....I want....a nap first...really...and then i'll work on all these things.  

I said things today that were hard for me to say...and even harder for me to want. There were moments where i would think, "No you can't say it." but when you think about it...when someone needs something...even if you're frightened of what it may do when you say it, a person who really cares will say it anyway. I t hink there was alot of this today, in more ways than one. 

* long exhale* The next couple of years...will be very difficult for me, if there is one thing that can motivate me...it's Al. I will do it all, to the best of my ability...undoubtedly there will be moments when failure is possible and where i slip up, but...I WILL do it. It's...a matter of life and death for  me...i don't even think he knows it...and how much it means to me. in his own way he understands...but i think...there are more things going on underneath everything....things....that i think...the next two years will either prove...or disprove....but i'm a stubborn and loyal person...and i'll stick to my guns.

I guess alot of the feelings i get grow out of a tendency to reach out to people and try and help them....and sometimes that's misconstrued...and perhaps even on my part "over done"...still...my being me has never harmed anyone seriously. to my knowledge

well AL's on i have to go

~T

First post yay! I wrote this itty bitty slice of life (no pun intended of course) piece about life in a restaurant...particularly my new job. I hope you like it.  Let me know what you think. Trust me if you hate it it's ok. I don't care. I will remind you however, that although it is LIKE my life. It ISN'T my life. That's where it becomes a story and not an autobiography. So please think before you comment on how miserable a life i have. I really like it and any boredom is purely for dramatic effect. ^_^ Bon Appetite! 

And so it begins....

The ominous rumblings of a yet unspent summer thunder shower still hung heavily over the corner luncheon on a sticky frizzy day in late July. It was another exciting day at the corner luncheon. Number of customers zero, well one if you counted th coffee to-go order. Tips? Meager change, scrounged for with accompanying irritated sigh and roll of eyes as change was thrust into the now unwilling (and yet still open) palms of the solitary waitress who promptly dropped the "tip" into the tip bowl with a guilty, half dead ka-chink. Resuming her current task at hand, she again perched herself on a bar-stool overlooking the counter and stared into her plate.

From some dark very uninterested corner of her consciousness she could hear the crunch and chomp of her only other companion as he nibbled away at his sandwich. He was a new cook...very new.She looked at the half raw hamburger in front of her and heaved a plaintive pitiful sigh. It had smelled so good too. Now, staring at the sunken over-pink melting meat wad before her, she was reminded again of all those terrifying cow diseases that she could contract (mostly exaggerated by a sufficiently bored imagination that was even by nature prone to blowing things out of proportion) and the mere suggestion of one mad frothing cow was enough to prompt her to apply the analogy to herself and come up with a slightly scary, thought vaguely humorous picture of a frothing waitress. She chuckled lightly and with a shrug, downed the burger without a second thought. At least if she was frothing it would break up the trend towards bland, blase, days that had become staple fare now that the summer was fully summer, and the excitement of school being out had sufficiently tired itself out as had lapsed into the usual mid-summer laziness...with the naturally accompanying boredom.

She looked over at her companion hunched over his sandwich. He looked back with a nervous crumbly smile, and resumed his meal. Funny how his food was never undercooked, she thought, but felt it unnecessary to press the matter. What did she care? To whom would she complain?

Their boss had left for the afternoon for a smoke and errands. He wouldn't be back until the dinner rush. Clock check! Not for another two hours...all sense of excitement suddenly evaporated. She rested her chin on the counter and tried to look spellbound by the shiny silverware.She eyed the tip bowl with disdain. Maybe 75 cents total if she was lucky...whoever said that she would make good tips here should go forth and eat one of New Cook's hamburgers as punishment.

It was with great reservations that she moved from her spot. The thinking being that the hamburger may not like being moved around, since it already got jipped out of being cooked (that makes for an especially angry burger). But in the end the whole absurdity of having her will submitted to raw meat quickly priced her pride and with a swivel and a hop she was off to get the book she had brought.

When the boss got back, New Cook was still nibbling his sandwich, and with the self-same crumbly smile, pointed towards the nearest bathroom when asked where the Solitary Waitress was. In the end, meat had vanquished...leaving a much wiser...and much lighter waitress in it's stead.