Memories By Inner Light

okay! today stunk! my car broke again!

that's it! I'm taking out loans! I'm taking out loans and buying myself a mini cooper! I'm getting a mini cooper and I'm getting one that I want. I'm sick of living my life going from crisis to crisis.

I was DRIVING and the thing STALLED OUT WHILE I WAS DRIVING...and then freakin just KEELED OVER and DIED....and i'd just put a new battery and alternator into the sucker....because of this development i had to rely on dad...who was anything BUT helpful. He wanted to leave my car in an illegal parking zone with the hazards on for 5 HOURS while he goes and does his piano lessons...yea sure not happening.

so i get home, okay so i didnt have to go to my appointment which i was kinda looking forward to after i dragged myself out of bed got dressed and went through the trouble of getting underway. first thing

second thing-cars dead...again...had plans...it's like an instant plan killer. car goes belly up...and so goes my social life.

third thing-dad...apart from being not helpful he had the gumption to say stuff to me like, "Well i can't help you! I'm late for all this stuff!" aka "Yea i know this is an emergency but it's just too short notice for me, I couldn't possibly put something of mine on the backburner to help you out of a really bad totally accidental spot." and then he offered me a ride home which i refused three times until I finally grudgingly accepted not because i wanted any favors but because it was cold and I had dressed too lightly...because my new coat ripped because of some jerk being in a rush but that was yesterday's crisis so it's got nothing to do with this.

fourth thing- my brother. I'm all excited now b/c julian had said we would hang out, watch some house and maybe hang out at al's tonite. but when i get home he says well he made plans with a friend and will be leaving at 1ish. *sigh* ok, i'm glad the kids getting out with some friends after all I'm his geeky sister it's not as fun as hanging with the guys. Idm so much about that but it meant that julian would go out and i would be here...pretty much alone.Now i really wanna hang out with Al tonite

fifth thing- my uncle calls me short notice from work and is in a bind, it seems that a friend of his is offering my aunt a huge business deal through her hotel and they are going to dinner to try to solidify and close this deal. So we all get that this is super majorly important right? Ooopsies...no babysitter... well if you've got plans you can tell ur brother and he could do it...whoops? julian not available...i'm the only one who has any time to burn and barely a plan for tonite there is no reason for me to say no...and it's family and a big financial deal....so i say yes...*scratches plans with Al off the list*...*sigh* *falls over into a mushy emotional pile of...well mush...*

things are starting to look a little bit better now tho...i finagled some time with al between now and 6:30 and I may just call my uncle and ask if al,and my mom come over so we can continue to hang out a bit and keep the boys interested.

sounds good yea? well in theory it looks okay we'll see how it all works out...i'm 0-5 right about now...

I have nothing to say that's good tonite so i have decided...to not say anything...

I feel sick.
I feel....hurt
i feel bad
i feel numb
I am crying
I am alone
I am afraid.
I am angry.
I am very sad.

Goodnight.

It amazes me to see how people think. I mean that honestly no hidden meanings. This is a preface and perhaps when you read what else i have to say you'll take it as a negative thing, but for now, i honestly mean it merely as a neutral observation. 

it's monday...evening... Awesome weekend....over....was i depressed about that? yes.

But to be honest...work flew by today, and my second job was still on vacation so i got a nice amount of errand running finished up. Gas in the tank for the week, chiropractor visit, bank account depositing, picking up my stuff from Al's, dropping off my Babci's transport chair, a good amount right? In the midst of this bustle....the calm that had settled into my refreshed life shattered. Replaced by those feelings of pain, and heartache that i wished i could have buried back in the pine barrens and left there to be forgotten in exchange for happier memories of better times.

I won't go into details of the situation...because that really won't help how i'm feeling now, and the more i think about it the less i want to think about it. Because it hurts....and hurts bad. But i can say how i feel about it, and perhaps if someone reads this sometime, they'll know, or not know, or maybe be offended. I'm sorry but i write to free myself, and to think out loud. But if you can't respect that...it's something you'll have to learn to ignore about me. B/c it's MY release. MY way of letting go. Thinking clearly.

I feel hurt i think is the obvious first response in a situation like the present. It hurts that people would think that of me. I do work hard to express how much i feel and to have that dismissed and tossed aside like it meant nothing, because i happened to be UNCOMFORTABLE with a predicament of which I was unsure of all the variables and outcomes. To have that ignored, when I am willing to back off when similar moments of discomfort are expressed to me makes me feel pain.

Second obvious response is not anger....though as much as it's tempting to become angry, i know that anger solves nothing and anger without purpose is just anger and cannot create peace. Now, my inability to create peace...is what i'm feeling now...it's Frustration. I'm not exasperated, i'm not giving up. I'm not angry...i'm frustrated. With my ability to communicate and be understood. With the lack of understanding on the part of the opposite party. But mostly with my own deficiencies.

Third in line, is guilt, righteous? probably a little (in order to keep honesty front and center in my mind, there will be no playing of the victim here) completely unfounded? probably as much as the first, so lets put numbers to the feeling and say it's evenly split at 50/50. I wasn't trying to do anything wrong. But actions were misconstrued and the end result is this feeling of guilt. Not because i did something, but because I feel like i injured someone unintentionally, which in it's own right, deserves some guilt. But on the other side i have a tendency towards blaming myself for everything that goes wrong, which is wrong in and of itself, but it is something i'm working to correct.


Fourth, lastly, i am deeply sad. Kind of self explanatory, but i want to cry. I want to be held, and I want to be told that I'm loved and respected and wanted. i want to be told that how i feel is okay. That if i'm uncomfortable it's alright, just tell them next time...can't i be uncomfortable? to me it was an awkward situation....isn't that enough? Must i always fight to explain this? I cant just be taken at face value for what i say? It's not like i'm not direct.

I apologize ahead of time for anything that may come out of my mouth and into exisistence on this page. BUT I'VE HAD IT!!!! I"VE HAD IT! I HAVE HAD IT!

I have an interview for a job today. Big freakin whoop. I DON"T WANT THE JOB! My MOM MADE ME APPLY! JUST LIKE SHE FORCED ME TO WORK AT ANDY'S ....and how well did THAT turn out! NOT WELL AT ALL!

Of course...now i get a call from them and they want me to come and do an interview.....*sigh*.....I know i'm not going to be happy there. I never shop at the damn place, i don't like the working environment, i don't like the location of the store, i don't like the commute to work, and frankly the other people working there scare me.

Now you could say, "O, well, why don't you just not go?"...my PARENTS! If i were to not go i'd get the brow beatign about how i'm wasting my time, being ungrateful, lazy, a failure of a daughter who'll never amount to anything b/c i don't do things i hate, and doing nothing to help this family out of it's economic sludge. I"M NOT A SERVANT/SLAVE! It's not MY freaking job to FIX  the mistakes of my HYPOCRITICAL DAD....my mom once told me that she HAS to DEPEND on us (julian and i) for income during the summer b/c he won't ever bring in enough money. I'm sorry, I love my parents, but I'm not a surrogate breadwinner in the event (the very likely event) that my father will AGAIN not be bringing in enough money to support my family through the summer. Summer Jobs are about saving up some cash and getting valuable experience for LIFE. My mom's talking FEEDING AND CLOTHING myself for this summer! It sucks! It's sucks like HELL to know that if  just ONE PERSON THOUGHT ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE OTHER THAN HIMSELF FOR ONE FREAKIN MOMENT IN HIS LIFE, AND IF IN THAT MOMENT HE WERE TO REALIZE JUST HOW MUCH PAIN AND SUFFERING HE"S PUT US THROUGH, AND IF ONCE HE REALIZED THIS HE ACTUALLY CARED....maybe my life wouldn't have come to this. I feel like i'm being sold off to the first bidder, so i can make money....not be happy...just make money...just make money....is that all i'm good for? Just a machine, churning out money. I hate money.

And then i have people telling me, "Oh well you shouldn't LIKE your work now. You're just a student!"

BULLSHIT! I LOVED MY FIRST THREE JOBS. I've been working since i was twelve. no joke. I started as  a stable attendant/manager, i did horse therapy and was in charge of taking care of the horses.  That was my first job and i got paid cash. It wasn't a huge salary cause i was 12 but it was a JOB and I LOVED IT.

I LOVED working at the Animal Hospital. They FIRED me b/c they wanted me working at LEAST 30 hours while i was under 18 which is ILLEGAL and i said no, so the stupid  lazy idiot office manager got rid of me.

I LOVED my job at Nuzzi's, the economic downturn, i wasn't cost effective, so i got the boot....laid off

It was when i went to Andy's that the whole "you can't be happy and work" thing suddenly appeared.  and I DON"T BELIEVE IT FOR A MINUTE! that job was my MOM'S idea...and then she couldn't even take responsibility for that.

*sigh*

I can't say that i feel better....I'm just so upset......the older i get, the more i feel like all that i'm worth is how much i can make at a job that i'll hate....i just.......when did i stop being a daughter...and start being an employee?

It's a little after midnight on yet another crappy start to my wednesday...my prospects...zero...i'll be lucky if i sleep at all tonight....I've gotten a sufficient chunk of my paper for english done, and my mind is melting into a pile of emotional sludge.I can't wait for break, and getting some rest will be wonderful. Maybe some time alone too. I think...that's what i need...somwhere where i can sit, and just...dissapear...my room's not cutting it anymore....i need a secret place...where no one will kno.

I hate fights. I hate them all. I hate the fact that I avoid them...and somehow w/o trying get roped into them. I hate the fact that when i try to do good people...just...don't get it...or they do...and yet there's something else i'm not doing right...I hate the fact that they happen on nights when there's a paper due...and when i have a midterm tomorrow. I hate the work. I hate writing class, and my speech midterm.

i'm not going to soft ball this. I'm tired. I'm hurting and I'm upset.
I'm not going to make suggestions to certain people anymore. I'm just going to sit and not expect or suggest anything. That way, not only will i never be dissapointed...i'll never have to feel like i tried to fix it and just made it worse....

I work really hard to make things go right...and...i just feel like alot of times i'm the only one pulling. I feel like i'm alone, trying to bolster up the weight of everyones feelings up on my shoulders. I'm tired of feeling like there's nothing I wouldn't do, but getting the feeling that someone doesn't think that way...

maybe monday was right....i just...wanna...idk....maybe if i dissapear, someone will notice i'm gone.

I'd rant some more but MArtha Stephens' commentary awaits dissection....i want this paper to be over...right now.

Good night.

~T.

So today is the last day of my break *sigh* tomorrow it's full on back to the grind.  

Too bad today really stunk....i guess it's better that i'll be bak in school...i won't be dissapointed like this anymore. I won't expect stuff, i won't get my hopes up, and i'll be too busy to get my feelings ignored. 

That being said, i managed to finish another awesome anime show (so i guess the whole day wasn't a waste *smile*) So here's the review!

Title: Ghost Hunt
Episodes: 25
Season: 1 so far as I know (hoping for a 2nd!)

Summary: When bumbling spooky story lover Mai accidently causes an injury to an assitant to a ghost hunter, she if roped into being an assitant to the Shibuya Psychic (sp?) Research Institute. At the head of this organization is Shibuya Kazuya, an arrogant and aloof prez of the company, despite his cold and hard exterior Mai doesn't mind him and together with the help of the real assitant, Lin, friends the buddhist monk, Bou-san, a miko spiritualist Ayako, a roman catholic priest and exorcist from Australia John, and a televised spirit channeler Masako, they take on some bone chillingly frightening, and spine tinglelingly interesting cases of the supernatural made manifest in the day to day to  rather unusual circumstances like freakish mansions or forgotten japanese shrines. The series is episodic in nature, but it's not like there's a case per episode, they take a nice amoutn of time to build up the story and give the viewer evidence before explaining and finding a remedy for the supernatural disturbance, so..one case could take three or four episodes. still the characters are very well put together and the stories are extremely entertaining. I love these kinds of stories, so I'm kinda biased but I can't help it, this show is absolutely amazing, and I highly reccomend it! It can be scary so...if you're brave, watch it in the dark! if not, grabba teddy and a night lite and enjoy!

Rating: 5 outta 5 Onigiri

 *smile* the above is a malapropsm (sp?...idk) made by my co-worker and former classmate. It was hilarious and just the thing to break a dull uninteresting day at work.

It seems like i'll be on my own for most of the weekend again. *sigh* I expected it. For a while everyone's social calendars will be whirling from person to person, while mine sits on the sidelines and stagnates. My dad is giving me a hard time about going to court's this weekend (her school in PA) so i don't think that'll be happening, and anyone else important is either booked solid or back in school by now...*sigh*

I feel kinda unimportant to everyone...kinda like if i wasn't there I wouldn't be missed much. it's not the greatest feeling but I can understand how people don't have time to hang out with me. I have to get in touch with heather and find out if she'd like to see sweeny todd or something with me and mandaz.... maybe they'll be busy too..

That's ok tho, I'll just find something else to do. I always have.

I'm exhausted and in a bad mood....not a good combo.  Work was boring as hell and the last hour of it seriously felt like 5 hours. I stopped by the bf's after grabbing a shake to get over my insignificant feeling, and it didn't work much...just made me crave more social interaction b/c of the caffiene....

I started a project for valentines day, hopefully it'll turn out awesome. I'm gonna try one of them today and see if it works and if it does, I'll be a really happy camper.

Did you ever get the feeling you wanted some TLC? Just some reciprocation to let you know other people are thinking of you? I was fine for a while....but now it's just gotten worse and worse, every lonely day at home, or at work without anyone who really cares just kinda popping in to say hi or you kno give me the, "hey I've missed/been thinking of u. How are you?" it hasn't helped much at all....

It'll be nice when school starts again. I'll be able to talk to my friends and work and go to class and interact and do stuff, and not just sit here complaining on my livejournal every day....won't that be a relief to the few people who take the trouble to ACTUALLY READ my lj. Thanks guys ^_^

Gotta go!
~T.

today.....was poop. that's the short and the short of it. just...POO! that's it! 

Yesterday was pretty good...today....*see above*. 

Let me start with yesterday b4 i rant.

I had a pretty good day at work, made nice munnies. Had some time to chill, and relax a little, got to talk to the bf. ALSO, i was recorded yesterday (erm and into early this morning). I laid down vocal tracks down in my uncles recording studio (it's in his basement don't get excited) for the song my dad is working on with his band last night, so I'm GONNA BE ON THE CD *uber excited about this*. I may even get credited for it as something like "guest vocalist" or something....idk....*shouldn't hope for that*  But anyways, i was leery about it, b/c my last time in the recording studio was right after my surgery and it took FOREVER to lay down the stuff i had to do that time (easily 3 visits at roughly 3 or 4 hours a visit and i STILL wasn't too thrilled about the way it came out. chya, it was a nightmare). So i was scared when they asked me to come back and do more stuff. 

I had to play a role. I was a spirit, speaking to the damned....schweet. The song is based on Canto XXVI of Dante's Inferno. My dad is doing one canto, and it's a collaborative project, so there are 33 other bands taking each of the 34 Cantos from the book and writing songs to fit each one.  

So I was Beatrice, Dante's "angel" and i was speaking to the souls of the damned. Reminding them of the things they had disregarded in life. And...i was reminding them in Greek. Which wasn't too hard to do actually. I had four lines to sing, 3 were variations of the same notes, 1 was completely different. The intervals were the hardest thing tho, my dad loves complex note patterns so when he writes stuff, the notes and chords may be simple but the actual note intervals can be a pain to get down. But i did it and it sounded pretty good, when I heard the playback. 

yea but everything was laid down, synced and  perfect  in about 3 hours this time. We went in around 10:30  and got out from my uncle's around...1 am and as "payment" my dad took me to Dunkin Doughnuts and got me doughnuts and hot coco. yum!

And then...today happened.....

First off I slept late b/c i'd been up until around 2, and my phone was on silent so i missed al's call, which made me feel horrible. Then I sit down and i'm feeling sick and still aching from all the excercising i'd been doing. I remembered just as i was about to eat lunch that i needed to be at work extra early which pissed me off to no end, b/c the reason WHY i have to be there is so that the other waitress can make it to the gym.....to work out for an hour.....before she picks up her son from daycare......since WHEN does ANYONE ever do me THOSE kinds of favors....WTF? I mean, this is YOUR JOB. YOU applied for it and told ME that you'd be able to work THESE hours. now....you decide to go and workout and I have to accomodate YOUR schedule? I have a bad feeling. And y'know, I thought i'd be having Mondays and Tuesdays off....bull. Today she tells me that she made a doctor's appt. and that she can't change it, meaning... I'll be working ALL DAY tuesday...AND ALL DAY wednesday......that's two work your ass off shifts back to back...and one of them she PROMISED ME she'd be able to do it. I think she's full of it. 

The only good that's coming out of this is the money....if i survive long enough to get to pay day.

SO then, I start working and there is this old gentleman whom I really enjoy talking to. He's a really nice old man who has AWESOME stories and is just a great grandpa-ish sorta guy. But he talked to me straight through my break....for TWO HOURS! And that means i didn't get to call al at all and apologize. NOR did i get a chance to ask him if he wanted to hang out tonite, which made me feel more miserable. 

But anyway. It's pretty slow most of the night until around 6ish. And it picks up to a nice pace, not busy busy, but steady. We close at SEVEN IN THE EVENING!!!! Meaning, clean up is over, there are no more customers, no more food, no more nothing.....Nothing burns me up more than inconsiderate people. Well guess what....it's 5 minutes to seven and i'm taking care of a family figuring they're my last customers. I'm tired, cranky and hurt everywhere. A man and his wife walk in, look at me and say, "Are we too late? We know you close at seven we were just wondering if we could get a meal...."...well no freakin' duh. What was i gonna say, "GET OUT YOU SELFISH BASTARDS!!!!!!" No....b/c my jerk boss comes out, recognizes them and they ask him and HE LET"S THEM STAY!.....First off, it stands to reason that if you KNOW you're gonna be an ASSHOLE and show up somewhere five minutes before closing demanding a sit-down meal, it MAY just cross your mind that YOU SHOULDN"T GO IN THE FIRST PLACE! But no...these selfish pricks sat and nursed their freakin meals until they were growing cobwebs...chatting it up with other customers, just being ABSOLUTE JERKS.....and I hate them. Of COURSE they wanted coffee after their meal...it didn't come across to them at all that MAYBE they should GO HOME, since andy did them a favor and let them stay in the first place.....and it's not like I can go if it's time to close...no...I gotta stay. watching them WASTE my time and be selfish and rude and absolutely horrible customers.

But WAIT there's MORE! These people are still not gone and it's 7:30!!!!! I'm doing whatever i can to get all my clean up responsibilities done around them so that i can pretty much just leave as soon as get their freaking faces stuffed and leave. ANOTHER ASSHOLE COMES IN!

He sits down at the counter and looks at me guiltily ALREADY and goes, "So are you gonna be open for a while?" Before Andy could come out of the kitchen and "recognize" him i looked at the guy and said, "No sorry, we're in the process of closing right now. We usually close at 7. Please take a menu and have a good night."  He glances at the other people and goes, "Are you sure?" I looked at them and at him and said, "They're the boss's family. Goodnight." So he left, thank god....i was gonna strangle him with my apron strings. 

I went to call al, hopefully to hang out and talk a bit...and he's with the guys tonite getting his "guy time" quota in....it's not his fault....I was just kinda....wanting to talk b/c it felt like ages since we've had a good chat. But i'm glad he's with the guys. He needs his time to just veg out with the guys...unfortunately at the moment i can't do much...b/c most of my friends don't live near enough to me so that we can hang out and my highschool friends I have to get in touch with soon so that we can hang out. 

But yea, i came home and we had company....so i couldn't cry....or rant....or anything...except slink upstairs to my lair with some cold pizza and soda. 

So here i am....

This weekend should be pretty awesome. I got a call from KAZE of all people! I miss her like crazy and she gave me a call! I have to call her back! AND tomorrow nite, my mom and I are going to see the AMAZING MANDAZ perform with her acting troupe on pArk Ridge so it should be an awesome time.

Sunday will be really good too, my aunt is takin, Al, Megan, Julian and I into NYC to see the Grinch: The Musical  and then to a really awesome restaurant for dinner after the show. At the moment we're thinking maybe, Jekyll and Hyde's, The Singing Waiters Restaurant (idk the real name), Planet Hollywood, or Hard Rock Cafe and I am SOOOOOOOOOOO excited. *have to remember to bring my camera*

Well, i guess i'll go and get some writing done now that all the emotional turmoil is starting to die down...

Have a great nite!!!

~T