Memories By Inner Light

Sunday my grandmother recieved "the Sacrament of the sick" for anyone who doesn't speak fluent "Catholic" it's pretty much an indication of a REALIZATION on my father's part that she isn't doing well at all. If he noticed it must be really bad.that and that he won't talk about her doctors visit yesterday. He keeps saying that it's too complex to discuss with us (the rest of the family) so i'm guessing it probably wasn't good news.

My car is broken. It broke friday. i don't know if it got mentioned. Idr when it was the last time that i posted last weekend was just insanity with my grandma getting sick. They have no idea whats wrong with it and idk how i'm going to pay for the repair. I guess we'll figure something out. but I'm kinda excited b/c Al's picking me up from work today! :D

Julian and i are working out every day this week in preparation for working out in a schedule for regular exercising. I want to get in shape. I'm tired of feeling unattractive. I am going to get super fit. I have made my decision. I want to be physically fit, for myself, for my health and my general well being.

I'm taking notes so I'm in class. but yea now u know about my life thus far. if something happens I'll do my best to keep all my friends abreast of the news

ttfn

okay! today stunk! my car broke again!

that's it! I'm taking out loans! I'm taking out loans and buying myself a mini cooper! I'm getting a mini cooper and I'm getting one that I want. I'm sick of living my life going from crisis to crisis.

I was DRIVING and the thing STALLED OUT WHILE I WAS DRIVING...and then freakin just KEELED OVER and DIED....and i'd just put a new battery and alternator into the sucker....because of this development i had to rely on dad...who was anything BUT helpful. He wanted to leave my car in an illegal parking zone with the hazards on for 5 HOURS while he goes and does his piano lessons...yea sure not happening.

so i get home, okay so i didnt have to go to my appointment which i was kinda looking forward to after i dragged myself out of bed got dressed and went through the trouble of getting underway. first thing

second thing-cars dead...again...had plans...it's like an instant plan killer. car goes belly up...and so goes my social life.

third thing-dad...apart from being not helpful he had the gumption to say stuff to me like, "Well i can't help you! I'm late for all this stuff!" aka "Yea i know this is an emergency but it's just too short notice for me, I couldn't possibly put something of mine on the backburner to help you out of a really bad totally accidental spot." and then he offered me a ride home which i refused three times until I finally grudgingly accepted not because i wanted any favors but because it was cold and I had dressed too lightly...because my new coat ripped because of some jerk being in a rush but that was yesterday's crisis so it's got nothing to do with this.

fourth thing- my brother. I'm all excited now b/c julian had said we would hang out, watch some house and maybe hang out at al's tonite. but when i get home he says well he made plans with a friend and will be leaving at 1ish. *sigh* ok, i'm glad the kids getting out with some friends after all I'm his geeky sister it's not as fun as hanging with the guys. Idm so much about that but it meant that julian would go out and i would be here...pretty much alone.Now i really wanna hang out with Al tonite

fifth thing- my uncle calls me short notice from work and is in a bind, it seems that a friend of his is offering my aunt a huge business deal through her hotel and they are going to dinner to try to solidify and close this deal. So we all get that this is super majorly important right? Ooopsies...no babysitter... well if you've got plans you can tell ur brother and he could do it...whoops? julian not available...i'm the only one who has any time to burn and barely a plan for tonite there is no reason for me to say no...and it's family and a big financial deal....so i say yes...*scratches plans with Al off the list*...*sigh* *falls over into a mushy emotional pile of...well mush...*

things are starting to look a little bit better now tho...i finagled some time with al between now and 6:30 and I may just call my uncle and ask if al,and my mom come over so we can continue to hang out a bit and keep the boys interested.

sounds good yea? well in theory it looks okay we'll see how it all works out...i'm 0-5 right about now...

I have nothing to say that's good tonite so i have decided...to not say anything...

I feel sick.
I feel....hurt
i feel bad
i feel numb
I am crying
I am alone
I am afraid.
I am angry.
I am very sad.

Goodnight.

That i've not been able to squeeze one post in for most of august...that...is a disturbing reminder of just how freakin busy it's been around here.

That being said, in-btwn exhales i have come to realize that the summer is almost OVER D: NOOOOOOOOOO! On the other hand i'm still excited for my classes Nipon Onegai! Arigato go dai masu! (woo!! hopefully you can tell i've been studying). Anyway stuff with my family has been deteriorating lately....i'm feeling like i'm no longer a member and stuff....just that they stopped asking me about things and including me. I mean yes, I may say "No, I can't." or "No you can have that." But honestly....i would really like to HAVE that option rather than people just assuming and ignoring my existence.

This weekend is an excellent example of that, but i really don't have the paitence to go into details.

O! I got a job through MSU and I'll be able to keep the one that I have now. yay! The MSU one is being a notetaker for one of the deaf students in my sociology class. They'll pay me 100 dollars at the end of the semester! Woo! Party money for christmas!!! yayness!

Hopefully by then I'll know where the heck Al's going...and marching band will be over, and some issues I have to deal with will be over. Good lord Christmas is gonna be a godsend (no pun intended) this year. It'll mean everything will finally be settling down the future will be less hazy and life in general is going to get a little more stable for me which is awesome.

Speaking of MSU....*trying to remain calm* PARKING WAS A F(#$&*(@#%&$@(%#$@ FIASCO! OH.MAH. GOURDS!  WE WAITED 3 F(^(@%#(*@&%# HOURS! They swiped one person's credit card. That person leaves all happy. *beaming beaming beaming* BUT THEY BROKE THE CREDIT CARD SWIPEY MACHINE! Not only that to make matters worse, at the EXACT same time the parking website goes F^&)#^)*@&^#*&@ BONKERS! God that timing really really really stunk.  So you've got an angry mob who's tired and cranky outside, and you have an angry electronic mob calling in demanding to know WHY the website is down. It was a circus! An absolute freak show of ginormous proportions. I'm just glad we got there early and were at the head of the line.

...

My mom just cam in and pissed me off.

Considering what just happened at here I'm going to give you a brief summary:
 

My mom has this really bad habit of NOT just DOING what i asked her. I'm a forgetful person. I get distracted and sidetracked fromt stuff and it's REALLY hard for me to remember sometimes even IMPORTANT things and  it's just how i'm built, but I asked my mom YESTERDAY if she wouldn't mind making a LIST, a physical LIST on a piece of paper with you know, writing  on it...in LIST form. She procedes to tell me to "Remember you have to do blah blah blah blah and blah." and then just sits there blinking at me. I turned to her and said, "Great! It's Midnight! I'm not gonna remember (see up there^ I didn't!) LIST! PLEASE!" SO she says, "OKAY! But you STILL have to do Blah blah blah blah  and blah."
O.o....
*facepalm*...are you kidding me?

So i said, "I'm not going to remember if you  don't LIST THEM! ON PAPER! WITH A WRITING UTENSIL!"

Finally my mom says, "OKAY! FINE! I'll WRITE YOU A LIST!"

Me: "GREAT! GOING TO BED!"

*fast forward to this morning*
(I'd started what i COULD remember i.e. cleaning my room. and showed my mom my progress)
Side note: my mom will try to get OUT of writing my lists by spoon feeding me verbally what i have to do next like some over grown toddler in a highchair named "Chores".
Mom says: "Great! Not perfect but much better (she always says that btw...even when you could eat off of every orafice surface and you're blided by the shine of cleaness. that's a different buggaboo)"
Me: "Thanks!"
Mom: "Now therese next you need to remember to do the bathroom."
Me: *eyes popping out of skull* NO! FOGETTABOUTIT! NO! NO! NO!"
Mom: "What are you talking about!?"
Me:"Mom...i'm going to say this...twice...I NEED A LIST! WRITE THE DAMN LIST DOWN!"
Mom: "But you still need to clean the bathroom..."
Me: *close to having a coniption* I FREAKING KNOW THAT! I JUST WANT  A LIST?! MAY I PLEASE HAVE A LIST!?! IS THAT SO MUC H TO  ASK?? WHY? WHY? WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT?! I CAN GARUNTEE YOU THAT THE WORK WILL GET DONE IF YOU GIVE ME ONE! 
CAN"T I PLEASE JUST HAVE A STUPID LIST?!
Mom:"Okay! I'll write a list"
*meanwhile I've passed out frothing at the mouth with my pupils dialated*....love you too mom....love you too....

It remains to be seen if i'll actually get one.....(mom hasn't come back with paper that looks like a list......*nervous*)

Ah! yes...life is wonderful I'm gonna go clean now.....
kbie
 

 

*sigh* today is...a so-so day. I got to bed really late after i posted, around 3ish, and then idk when i fell asleep but it wasn't enough time and so i skipped Philosophy today and then just showed up for Speech and writing. I'm sitting in my speech room now and i'm still exhausted...and i  have work...o joy.

on my way here i almost drowned ona mouthful of water, sprayed body spray in my mouth and my eye accidently,dropped my writing textbook on my foot, nearly fell down my front stoop and finally made it to my car with after hitting the scab on my right knee...i haven't checked it yet hopefully it'll be fine, and not be bleeding all over my work pants.

Despite the craziness and my penchant for being accident prone, today is remarkably laid back...there's nothing tense about it...which is weird...in a refreshing sort of way. Break is almost here b/c today is almost over and then all i have is film and Hari Kiri Friday. Two days...let's hope i survive them and think positively.

I'm gonna do my best today. I've been working really hard and NOTHING is gonna keep me down today. I'm just...not gonna quit. There is no giving up, no second guessing. I'm just gonna keep moving forward. Suck it up and keep on truckin'...i think that's kinda along the same vein as "Seize the Day".


My essay...prolly sucks...i don't think i got the whole format down AT ALL so i sent her an electronic copy and asked for her mercy and feedback. *sigh* no replies yet...she prolly won't say anything....my mindset isn't the greatest but i'm fighting it ^_^ *smile* so i should be ok in a little bit...until i get to work at least *weak laugh*

>.> *notices finger is bleeding*...o wow, i didn't even feel that haha. It's a cuticle thing haha nothing really to worry about.

Anyone wanna go to the circus with me and my fam on March 29th 7:30 Pm?
We probably wouldn't be sitting with my family since they ordered only enough tickets for my parents and my brother and his gf. but it'd be cool to go into the city with them no? I think it'd be fun *shrugs* lemme know what you think.

I gotta go, the speech midterm awaiteth.

~T.

unfortunately i have a habit of blurting them out. meh. okay...moving on

Last night was....craziness...my brain just kept spinning until the only thing i could do was sit in my room in the dark and breathe. So mcuh whirring of activity, and it's not like i'm terribly busy with stuff, per say, mostly that people are talking me in circles until i don't know what to think , what to do, or what to say. I can't stand it when that happens, b.c then you have tons of things to remember and guess what happens when those tons of things start to conflict with one another? You have a train wreck. That's what you have...and guess what happened yesterday. A train wreck dearies, a train wreck. o well! haha I survived i guess! You know the old saying "what doesn't kill you...hehe we'll just leave it at that"

8:33....8:36...he's here...mehhh

D:D:D:D:D:

gotta go for now. More updates on my life later haha.

Tah Tah!

~me

I saw a man get hit today. By a car. Run over actually. He lay for an hour and a half in the road as snow fell around him, screaming, as the police and the paramedics and the emergency people scurried around him shouting yelling at one another...but nothing...no sound could possibly drown out the agonizing sound of his screaming. It cut through every wall I had put up to block it out, and shook me to my very core. A grown man, almost thirty, screaming? Like a little kid with a skinned knee...although it wasn't a skinned knee. It was nothing that mom could kiss and make better. His legs were horribly mangled and while one leg looked ok, the other was twisted around the normal one like a ribbon....and his hat had flown off in front of a poor young woman who had seen the accident. She stood there next to her car and stared as chaos erupted around her.

Still he screamed...on and on. I knew him. He was a really nice guy. He pumps gas at the station across the street from the restaurant. Really nice...and he had been trying to help stop traffic so that a big truck that had come to deliver gas could get out and not have an accident...I guess sometimes it just happens....

I can still hear him crying now, crying....sobbing, calling out in agony....It happened hours ago, but I can't shake the chill that ran down my back when I realized it could have been me...or worse someone I love. Chris the Iced Tea Guy tried really hard to distract me, he asked me about my boyfriend and about my life. He told me he had a “hot date” which was meeting a girl from his apartment complex in the laundromat for coffee as they did their laundry and discussed life. I think I listened. Everything after the accident kind of put me in a daze. I was jittery and my hearing would just fade in and out. I felt sick to my stomach and terrified of getting in my car. All sense of delicacy was lost as I dropped plates into the sink and furiously scrubbed at the food remnants hoping it would wipe away, wash away the horrible screeching...

I think Andy sensed something wrong with me because he said very little to me...or maybe he was just as deeply effected as I was....I left in a stupor and carefully made my way to my car...i stopped at the high school to check up on Al, but he didn't need a ride so I just made my way home.

It surprised me how many people reacted nonchalantly to the whole business....to them was it just meaningless because no one they knew had been effected? Or because they hadn't seen him? Or heard his crying? It is a cold cruel place outside....people have become like snow, falling to the ground piling up everywhere oblivious to the bodies of their comrades underneath them. What they never realize is that we all melt...we all...melt.

today.....was poop. that's the short and the short of it. just...POO! that's it! 

Yesterday was pretty good...today....*see above*. 

Let me start with yesterday b4 i rant.

I had a pretty good day at work, made nice munnies. Had some time to chill, and relax a little, got to talk to the bf. ALSO, i was recorded yesterday (erm and into early this morning). I laid down vocal tracks down in my uncles recording studio (it's in his basement don't get excited) for the song my dad is working on with his band last night, so I'm GONNA BE ON THE CD *uber excited about this*. I may even get credited for it as something like "guest vocalist" or something....idk....*shouldn't hope for that*  But anyways, i was leery about it, b/c my last time in the recording studio was right after my surgery and it took FOREVER to lay down the stuff i had to do that time (easily 3 visits at roughly 3 or 4 hours a visit and i STILL wasn't too thrilled about the way it came out. chya, it was a nightmare). So i was scared when they asked me to come back and do more stuff. 

I had to play a role. I was a spirit, speaking to the damned....schweet. The song is based on Canto XXVI of Dante's Inferno. My dad is doing one canto, and it's a collaborative project, so there are 33 other bands taking each of the 34 Cantos from the book and writing songs to fit each one.  

So I was Beatrice, Dante's "angel" and i was speaking to the souls of the damned. Reminding them of the things they had disregarded in life. And...i was reminding them in Greek. Which wasn't too hard to do actually. I had four lines to sing, 3 were variations of the same notes, 1 was completely different. The intervals were the hardest thing tho, my dad loves complex note patterns so when he writes stuff, the notes and chords may be simple but the actual note intervals can be a pain to get down. But i did it and it sounded pretty good, when I heard the playback. 

yea but everything was laid down, synced and  perfect  in about 3 hours this time. We went in around 10:30  and got out from my uncle's around...1 am and as "payment" my dad took me to Dunkin Doughnuts and got me doughnuts and hot coco. yum!

And then...today happened.....

First off I slept late b/c i'd been up until around 2, and my phone was on silent so i missed al's call, which made me feel horrible. Then I sit down and i'm feeling sick and still aching from all the excercising i'd been doing. I remembered just as i was about to eat lunch that i needed to be at work extra early which pissed me off to no end, b/c the reason WHY i have to be there is so that the other waitress can make it to the gym.....to work out for an hour.....before she picks up her son from daycare......since WHEN does ANYONE ever do me THOSE kinds of favors....WTF? I mean, this is YOUR JOB. YOU applied for it and told ME that you'd be able to work THESE hours. now....you decide to go and workout and I have to accomodate YOUR schedule? I have a bad feeling. And y'know, I thought i'd be having Mondays and Tuesdays off....bull. Today she tells me that she made a doctor's appt. and that she can't change it, meaning... I'll be working ALL DAY tuesday...AND ALL DAY wednesday......that's two work your ass off shifts back to back...and one of them she PROMISED ME she'd be able to do it. I think she's full of it. 

The only good that's coming out of this is the money....if i survive long enough to get to pay day.

SO then, I start working and there is this old gentleman whom I really enjoy talking to. He's a really nice old man who has AWESOME stories and is just a great grandpa-ish sorta guy. But he talked to me straight through my break....for TWO HOURS! And that means i didn't get to call al at all and apologize. NOR did i get a chance to ask him if he wanted to hang out tonite, which made me feel more miserable. 

But anyway. It's pretty slow most of the night until around 6ish. And it picks up to a nice pace, not busy busy, but steady. We close at SEVEN IN THE EVENING!!!! Meaning, clean up is over, there are no more customers, no more food, no more nothing.....Nothing burns me up more than inconsiderate people. Well guess what....it's 5 minutes to seven and i'm taking care of a family figuring they're my last customers. I'm tired, cranky and hurt everywhere. A man and his wife walk in, look at me and say, "Are we too late? We know you close at seven we were just wondering if we could get a meal...."...well no freakin' duh. What was i gonna say, "GET OUT YOU SELFISH BASTARDS!!!!!!" No....b/c my jerk boss comes out, recognizes them and they ask him and HE LET"S THEM STAY!.....First off, it stands to reason that if you KNOW you're gonna be an ASSHOLE and show up somewhere five minutes before closing demanding a sit-down meal, it MAY just cross your mind that YOU SHOULDN"T GO IN THE FIRST PLACE! But no...these selfish pricks sat and nursed their freakin meals until they were growing cobwebs...chatting it up with other customers, just being ABSOLUTE JERKS.....and I hate them. Of COURSE they wanted coffee after their meal...it didn't come across to them at all that MAYBE they should GO HOME, since andy did them a favor and let them stay in the first place.....and it's not like I can go if it's time to close...no...I gotta stay. watching them WASTE my time and be selfish and rude and absolutely horrible customers.

But WAIT there's MORE! These people are still not gone and it's 7:30!!!!! I'm doing whatever i can to get all my clean up responsibilities done around them so that i can pretty much just leave as soon as get their freaking faces stuffed and leave. ANOTHER ASSHOLE COMES IN!

He sits down at the counter and looks at me guiltily ALREADY and goes, "So are you gonna be open for a while?" Before Andy could come out of the kitchen and "recognize" him i looked at the guy and said, "No sorry, we're in the process of closing right now. We usually close at 7. Please take a menu and have a good night."  He glances at the other people and goes, "Are you sure?" I looked at them and at him and said, "They're the boss's family. Goodnight." So he left, thank god....i was gonna strangle him with my apron strings. 

I went to call al, hopefully to hang out and talk a bit...and he's with the guys tonite getting his "guy time" quota in....it's not his fault....I was just kinda....wanting to talk b/c it felt like ages since we've had a good chat. But i'm glad he's with the guys. He needs his time to just veg out with the guys...unfortunately at the moment i can't do much...b/c most of my friends don't live near enough to me so that we can hang out and my highschool friends I have to get in touch with soon so that we can hang out. 

But yea, i came home and we had company....so i couldn't cry....or rant....or anything...except slink upstairs to my lair with some cold pizza and soda. 

So here i am....

This weekend should be pretty awesome. I got a call from KAZE of all people! I miss her like crazy and she gave me a call! I have to call her back! AND tomorrow nite, my mom and I are going to see the AMAZING MANDAZ perform with her acting troupe on pArk Ridge so it should be an awesome time.

Sunday will be really good too, my aunt is takin, Al, Megan, Julian and I into NYC to see the Grinch: The Musical  and then to a really awesome restaurant for dinner after the show. At the moment we're thinking maybe, Jekyll and Hyde's, The Singing Waiters Restaurant (idk the real name), Planet Hollywood, or Hard Rock Cafe and I am SOOOOOOOOOOO excited. *have to remember to bring my camera*

Well, i guess i'll go and get some writing done now that all the emotional turmoil is starting to die down...

Have a great nite!!!

~T

Philosophers a loong loong time before modern science, once bickered about what was the ultimate element present in man, some said fire, some said earth, some said air, still others were adamant that water was the element that ultimately made up Man (collectively speaking). 

See, the thing is, is that although we know now that we are all indeed a little fire, a little earth, a little air and a little water, when we becomes upset, i think the elements all kind come out at once and too much of all has got to be equally as bad as everything being made up of one.. So i'm just going to write a bit and let some of the elements loose...don't mind me.

Today, i've been knocked pretty hard off of my footing. I thought i was okay yesterday. In fact, i knew i was okay yesterday. I felt great yesterday. Someone's playing games with me. Someone very wicked. Someone who's trying to set me up to fail. He gives me hope and then snatches it away. Dangles things before my eyes and just as i go to reach for them, and pull them close, he yanks it away. He's no human. No no, he's much worse than that. He's dark and sinister, and manipulative, using those closest to me, to cause me pain. 

I'm not going to beat around the bush today, no fancy descriptions, or slightly humourous anecdotes. I cried for a whole night last night. Something i haven't done in a long time. And again this morning, i thought, i had made my peace, and was ready to move on...and one phone call, just one at the wrong time, and my fortress of certainty was  blown away like a fragile castle of cards. Like some kind of torture, all the little smuges and smears of the days following up to this, like so many pin pricks, have dotted and covered me in pearls of blood. I cried since 5 this morning, in between nightmares, the ones that waited for me when i slept, the ones that faced me the moment i opened my eyes. It was all a very cruel joke. I think someone in Hell is laughing at me. Watching me eat away at myself. I shake, i tear, i curl up and cry, maybe drift off to some dark place waiting behind my eyelids, only to be frightened into the vengeful wakefulness of bright piercing day, faced with realities, and pains that most would die from, and fewer still who do survive, come out of unscathed. 

I think the only way i can survive is b/c i've been hurt and seared so many times on purpose, that those things you just can't help and the accidents that just burn and chafe, can't hurt more than absolute betrayal. But they can come pretty damn close. The fires that burn within, crackle and fizz under the sprinkling of salt tears, that feed the earth around the fire, that let the vines grow, and cover the heart, so the heavy winds of tribulation, cannot batter, or shake, or scrape away, what little there is left. The elements shift, and again there is balance.

 She didn't notice that the only time thewad of paper actually went into the waste papoer basket was just a few moments earlier. She didn't notice that for once the cat didn't trip her going up the stairs. She didn't notice that instead of arguing with her, her mother sat silently watching fearfully as she stormed upstairs. For once the door slammed just hard enough to express how she really felt, but she didn't care at that point. Sitting there, typing away, hot tears streaming down her face. Her vision blurring, the words finally pouring out like lave bruning against the keyboard, flickering across the screen like so many heated sparks. Igniting the anger, feeding the passion, feuling the sadness and the loneliness of one last, anguished cry from inside...and then...all went silent....she sat there, looking at her creation, bitter tears stinging her cheeks, her eyes squinting with hurt, the words and the will to write had finally come. And look...look at what they had made...it was unbearable...absolutely unbearable...