Memories By Inner Light

have you ever been so emotionally spread out that you just wanna roll over wave the white flag and just go sit in a very dark self dug ditch for eternity? If you remove the extended metaphor and shorten the superfluous language...i'm in a really dark place right now...

i'm having thoughts i've never had before...moments of self doubt so pronounced and so deep i feel like i'll get lost in them...i feel like i am secure in nothing and that my very sense of self has been destroyed b/c everyone is clamoring around me telling me i've changed i've changed i've changed...i had a short glimmer of paradise, but now thats all been flickering like the illusion it was....

i feel like i'll never get out of this hole...b/c i'm not the only one digging it....nothing i do will fix anything...nothing i say will make this stop...nothing i say or feel matters....i'm just a negative...a waste of space....

i think that once finals are over i'll feel better,things have been so strained i haven't kept up with my silly documentation of my boring and mostly rocky life just far. Funnily enough it's not this new place that's making me miserable...it's all of the old things i tried to grow out of that keep pulling me down...i just wish i could wake up and realize i hadn't made so many mistakes, i hadn't totally fucked up so bad...

i haven't said this in a very long time... but i wish for just a few days, i could just dissapear....